i am a 40yr old woman and i have had P.T.S.D for 5yrs.4yrs ago i jumped off a cliff to kill myself but landed on a ledge 100 foot down and survived.ever since then i have regretted not dying that night.i have been in and out of psychiatric hospital and have a whole load of mental health professionals,housing support,alcohol support and work support and of course friends and family supporting me on a daily basis yet i still cant manage to feel any better.i gave up drinking 162 days ago and i assumed i would feel better but i dont.i am on the brink of ending my life and have begun to organise my life,like buying a coffin,writing a will and letters to my loved ones so when i am passed it will not be anyones burden to have to sort it out on my behalf.i know that i am going to devastate peoples lives but i just cant go on anymore.in many ways i dont want to be dead but i know i am not going to get any better and the thought of living in this hellish nightmare of P.T.S.D any longer is too much to bear.i am planning to end my life within the next few months or however long it takes to get everything sorted out.im hoping maybe,just maybe,that someone is going to say something to me or i’ll read something that will change my mind.if not then i will go ahead,i used to be so happy and now i cant remember what that feels like.i feel so sad its unbearable.if only i had died when i jumped the cliff i would have saved myself years of unhappiness.i’ve withdrawn slowly from my friends and family who have been fantastic respecting my wishes but they dont know what im planning as i know if i discuss it with them they will freak out.i know that i will leave them with terrible grief as,after my failed cliff jump,seeing my friends and family after was like being at my own funeral.im hoping the letters i leave behind will help them to really understand my reasons however painful it is going to be for them.what i want is that they will come to understand why i did it and remember the old me.the happy me and that they will remember me fondly for the good times we had.
4 comments
Fellow 40 yr ole gal…you may want to give me a call, I’m right in the same situation as you…been with it for over 6 yrs…holler if you feel. I feel ya, sometimes things might come up that will help you cope and deal with your situation or change your mind-I’d support whatever is best for YOU!, You re what matters…it’s tough to leave people behind as I have no wish to harm anyone-my situation is not improving despite my furious intention to change it all around….hang in… there for support. Take care..SS clnrch7@yahoo.ca
You lived for a reason …. I don’t know you but I just feel it in my core
Before you do this, HELP someone else first
Then decide if your done
Personally, I hope you live to fulfill your true purpose
Great things happen all at once
Hi
first of all a great congratulations that you quit the booze. It takes a lot of will to get out of it and you made it!.
As per your acronyms, stumping yourself at 100 kms an hour against the ground definitively is a trauma, both physical but also psychological, and a ptsd can be a normal consequence of that. However you also managed to survive that blow.
So after you have come successful of those two trials, now aim towards happiness, that happiness that you and your body and your mind so much want. If possible try to find different activities or places in which to get yourself busy. Even go to Ecuador as a volunteer for 3 months. Any input that can replace your dwellings is very important instead of sitting on it and dwelling all day long. I suppose you are on meds. Do take them.
You also have a great family that supports you and friends. so you are actually a kind of a hero and you are not going to cause them that pain after having survived to such two trials.
You need to avoid associations with negative thoughts, that is particularly important in ptsd, that is why I am saying you should change surroundings and do something completely different from daily routine.
Hugs
O
If you can survive a 100 ft fall onto rock then you should take it as a sign that you are supposed to be alive.