I don’t know whats wrong with me. I put myself in therapy but we can’t afford to keep me in it. It was helping, but now everything’s falling. I find it harder and harder to breathe. Maybe one day I’ll stop. I find that thought comforting.
Sometimes I can’t think. I’ll start and stop. People think I’m weird for that. My own flesh and blood don’t understand. And I’ll forget. I want to scream, to tell them that this all hurts so much. But I can’t scream. I don’t know why but my voice is too weak.
Maybe I could blame my parents for this. They were always working and leaving me alone. I was forced to watch my sister by myself. I had to watch her when the meth lab above us caught on fire. Hurray for me! I had to grow up quick.
I could blame my cousins for this knife at my throat. They always made me cry.
I could blame my “friends” for this. They always thought I was happy, just because I smile. They don’t know that I’ve heard every name they called me.
I could blame school. They all never helped me. Daddy’s a good liar, even decieving himself. He’s a devil and Maman’s his mistress. Did I ever tell someone that she choked me for running into a table? It’s our little secret Maman.
It was my abusive girlfriend that pushed me over the edge. She left scars and bruises and finally just forced me to give her what she wanted. She always said I was a no good *****. To those who think only guys can rape and abuse, you’re wrong. You’re so naive. Woman do everything a guy can do, only worse.
That little snake… She carved the letter F into my skin. F for fag, fucker, fuck up, finished the list goes on.
I am trying to find the best way to die because I am sick of this fucking life. What to do? I don’t want another intervention. I had one before. Maman and Daddy cried. Well, more like Daddy. Maman’s not very affectionate. My baby girl caught me cutting. She promised not to tell.
If you have any ideas BESIDES PILLS (they make me sick) that could lead to a quick death and easy to access (I can’t get a gun) please tell me. I want to get this over with before it comes again.
Hopefully this is adieu my dears. Remember, the leaf may fall from the tree during winter, but the tree always grows more back.