I’m from Germany and my age is 20. Last year my mom threw me out of home, having the cops arrest me and tried to put me into mental hospital after I had declared that I was going to end my life due to her cancelling the flat we lived in and force me to get work but I was smart enough so I got out after 24 hours. My dad picked me up and let me live at his home since. My mom decided she wasn’t going to let me in again.
Imagine your room, your beloved home, you lose it all in a day and can’t see it ever again. When I came to visit she and her lover had already dissasembled my room. Up to this date she has apologized very little and still doesn’t want to give me a room in their new house. My hate on her hasn’t ceised today.
Anyways,Â aproximately 2-4 weeks after I got out of psychiatric, living at my dad’s, I decided i was going to take my own life so I went to my beloved forest, sat down by a tree and picked one of the two hard liquor bottles I had bought just prior.Â I chugged it down in like 10 minutes and decided there was no need to bother with the taste anymore as it would be enough to cause systematic failure. WRONG! I woke up 8 hours later to find myself disoriented in the middle of the night in the middle of the forest. I could barely make my way out of there. and walk home. The buzz before I passed out was unlike anything you’ve ever seen before lol.
I have used so many BAC calculators and I only weigh like 140 pounds, according to most resources it would’ve spiked my BAC to like .50 or higher in the amount of time I took it down.
Since that time I have tried many times to find me a reason to go on just to find out that my will to live in this world is just continually stalling to new lows…
My dad and my grandma and friends really do the best they can to support me and they do it really well. My dad is a real good musician and he’s offering me a splendid future in that category but no matter what life seems to offer me I just keep finding that my will is not in life, it is in death.
Most of the time, their love sustaines me and keeps me grounded but that doesn’t seem to be enough. As soon as I’m on my own I just keep finding what I’m truely heading for.Â And I can’t really move forward in life because my of my own lack of any will, It would sure be a real let down for them if I’d go and I’d really hate to do this to everyone except my mom.
Within me is more than just a “my life sucks I wanna end it all”, I’ve been a meditator and I have had memories of out-of-body states and simply don’t have any interest in the worldly things that keep people so motivated. And I’m not one of those lightworker or 2012 people either. I’m praying for catastrophes, i’m praying for doomsday every day but i can’t hold on much longer. Focusing on life now gives me spine-splitting depressions as soon as I center myself around death I feel lifted and enjoy this mental levitation. I love everything that is death based – doom-porn, cutting, vampirism, war, you name it. I play only music that is centered around death.
Next time I am for sure going to drink the two bottles making up a total of 1,5 liters of 33-40% alcohol plus a gram of diphenhydramine (sleeping pills) that is available without prescription from any pharmacy here (they even warned me not to take it with alcohol). It should be a very peaceful way to go and it is surely peaceful to have it all prepared.
ps: it would sure be nice to chat about it with a couple of people about who don’t really have this prevention-programme running their mouths.