ok. the only reason i am posting my suicide story is because an acquaintance told me to do so. on the outside, you pretty much see a genius waiting to be discovered. im 15 yrs. old & im currently involved in 10th grade at a high school. i have all honors classes and have straight As in them. i am a brilliant musician,or so they say. i play the clarinet. i have done so since 6th grade & have been in the all-region band since 8th grade. i plan,rather my music teachers planned, to make it to the state band this upcoming year. no biggy since i can do it but dont feel like it. i also play the violin. i’ve only been playing for 9 months but i am great,or so they say. i have beaten every one in the low/beginner level orchestra class and im pretty close to making to the varsity level. i turned down an opportunity to move up to JV because of an old elementary acquaintance. stupid i know. i rarely make mistakes. im usually right 99% of the time. even my teachers can attest to that. i hardly ever have doubts; except,well, now. im a brilliant fiction & biography writer. i know a lot about history & science, so i plan to be a physical anthropologist. im learning human anatomy as a starter. so far i only know all the upper body and feet bones. im still undecided if i want to be a forensic anthropologist. i leaning more toward old,old, & way old crimes & bones. i can get scholarships to any school i want based on my grades & “musical ability”. i have an IQ of 156.by the by im a girl. amazing, isnt it?. sadly, on the inside im am,metaphorically, dying. i know part of the reason of my suicidal thoughts is from my mental illness. the doctors are too stupid to figure out what i have. they are stuck between psychosis and schizophrenia. i have all the markers for psychosis yet i also have a considerable number of markers for schizophrenia. i control my mental illness by being rational;so as not to freak out & be completely insane and have to be sent to a mental asylum. my counsler tells me its being hyper-rational since i dont contend to other peoples feelings. i am not in any relationships. romantic, family, or frienships of any kind. i dont believe that all relationships last so i decide to not even get them. i know all lot of people think otherwise.”it’s better to love or be loved, than to never have know love.” i think thats the quote. im not a very good romantic, thats why people call me a coldfish, soulless, etc.,etc. i want to know, rather belive, that love isnt as horrible as i imagine it to be. but you cant argue with science;most of the time. human beings were meant to be a polygomous speceis in which only conquest of the female is necessary for evolution and to not become extinct. anyway, i dont love any one and i believe no one loves me-boo hoo- sincei keep everyone at arm’s length. i havent tried suicide lately because i know it would be pointless on my part with no planning. if i committed suicide now it would purely be on impulse, not totally “heart-felt”. well, the main reason i wanna die is because i see the world as it is. infinte. by the by, thats Blake. the other, rather irrational & stupid, reason is that i can’t stand living mentally ill. i hate taking my medication, because,even i though despise being a genius most of the time, i feel like a person with the average intelligence & it frustrates me to be slow. i dont take my medication, even for seizures. imperfectly good for a few months even years before it all becomes to much to bear and i have to be sent to a behavioral center. i havent been to one since MAY 2010. i refused to take my medication there so i told them my reason,BUT THEY TOOK IT AS A JOKE. i hate all of those morons of nurses, 9 out of 10 of them are brain-dead compared to me. i do recall this Asian nurse who preached to me about God. she was the only one that i liked. the only two nurses who weren’t brain-dead were acutely faster than a zombie compared to me. well, this story is dragging long. so, this is my suicide story.
2 comments
I’m glad that the nurse preached about God to you. he can take away your pains, your burdens, and that will happen if you let God into your life and accept Jesus Christ as your Savior. He will make changes to your life. God loves every single person on this earth, he cries when you cry, he loves you all the time, even when you sleep. I hope you keep that in mind. And if you go through your storms and problems, he will hold you into his arms and guide you through.
one thing for sure that i know about this kind of love, is unconditional.
I doubt you’ll find yourself back at this page with it being a while ago now, but in the off chance you do id like to talk. I’m scared I might be going through something similar mentally, but I doubt my intelligence is anywhere near as high. I know perception is impossible to share, and we are all alone because of it, but maybe you could try?