My suicide attempts

Hey everyone! I wanted to share my story of my suicide attempts. I’m 16 years old, I’ve attempted suicide four times.

The first time I was 13, I tried it by cutting my wrists, i lost a lot of blood and ended up fainting, went to hospital, got stiches, and spent a week in the psych ward for observation then i went home.

My 2nd attempt, I overdosed on 30 prozac pills and 10 paracetemols, and 7 pain killers and 15 sleeping pills. I was going through a mental breakdown and had already told my parents i planned on killing myself that day (i think this time was a cry for help, even though i felt like i wanted to die, i wanted to do something drastic, to be saved, helped, and show just how serious problems i was having) My mum found the empty bottles and packets of pills in my bathroom bin, she got mad and told me to pack a bag because she was going to take me to the ER. I went to the ER, and got my vitals checked, the whole time my mother was looking at me so meanly, I just wanted her to leave but she said she was going to stay until I was officially admitted. So I was in the ER ward, got an ECG, IV, heart moniter and then 7 hours later i was stable enough to go to a room, i was wheelchaired to the short stay ward, where i stayed in a childrens room overnight, having my vitals checked every 4 hours, it was about 1am by the time my parents went home, my dad came to the hospital about 3 hours after i went. i talked to a psychiatrist and then after my parents left, i tried to get some sleep. I did not have my stomach pumped or given charcoal, which was surprising but I didn’t do any permanent damage which is good. I didn’t throw up though and felt fine the next day, just a bit of a headache and tiredness.

So the next day it was about midday, i had a shower and got ready to leave, and said i was going to go and jump off a building somewhere. I didn’t even care at this point. a few psychiatric nurses came in to try to talk to me and they called my parents, i was committed against my will, and spent 5 days in the psychiatric ward, then i went home.

My 3rd attempt was a week later, I overdosed on cymbalta (an extremely strong anti-depressant/psychotic) and serequel. My parents found out, and got so mad at me, screamed at me and my mum called the hospital, they told her to bring me in asap, then my mum decided not to because she was too tired and stressed and didn’t want to drive me to hospital, so told me to pack a bag because she was going to call an ambulance ,so i did, and waited, then she comes into my room and says “you know what, im not going to call an ambulance, you did this to yourself, you dont desereve help, just go to sleep and die”

i was made to go to bed early, i wasn’t even allowed to get up, I felt absolutely fine all night so I assumed the overdose wouldn’t do anything.

Then the following morning, I woke up at 5am, I was so dizzy, I could barely stand straight, I tried walking down the stairs and everything was tunneling in and fuzzy, i fell down the stairs because i couldn’t balance straight. I was having hallucinations, seeing dots and fuzzy, colorful things, hearing voices, and i was covered in cold sweat, I was shaking uncontrollably and coughing up blood, and i was severely tired to the point that i didn’t have any energy to even get up, i didn’t throw up at all though, despite having a little bit of neasuea. My parents saw how sick i was, but refused to take me to the hospital, or even to the doctors for a general check up. I was sick like this for a few days, stayed in bed 24/7, didn’t eat a thing for like 5 days, after about 5 days i finally got my appetite back and had the strength to get out of bed, and felt a lot better. However I suffered permenant liver damage from the overdose, which could have been prevented had my parents taken me to hospital, and i also have heart problems due to it, I don’t blame my parents ,and i could have called 000 myself, but i wanted to die and didn’t want to admit to help myself, so that wasn’t an option for me at the time.

My fourth attempt, which was 8 days ago, to be exact. I took 70,000mg of paracetamol. After just over a year of no suicide attempts, this attempt happened very suddenly, shit happened, i went to shops, brought 100,000mg (100 pills) of paracetamol, some chocolate and diet coke. I sat in the park, i was the only person there. I sat on a bench in front of the river, watching the ducks. I sat there for a few minutes, hoping that I wouldn’t do this, hoping that my phone would ring, or someone would come and talk to me. But that didn’t happen. So I started opening the pills, and took them in handfuls of 10 each, they were not sugar coated, which sucked, I started gagging after about 20 pills, it was getting harder but i kept going, after 70 pills i just couldn’t take the rest, i felt like my throat had closed up and the thought of taking the rest made me want to puke. I got up, rode my bike home, as soon as I got home, within minutes, they set in. I felt so dizzy, I was like a zombie, apparently i wasn’t talking properly, and was delusional, my words were slurred and i was in a very dream like state of mind. I was feeling very nauseated, I fell asleep at around 6pm, then awoke at 10pm by my phone ringing, they said they couldn’t understand a word i was saying and that i sounded fucked up, they hung up, i then got up to get some water, and threw up, went back to sleep, woke up at least 10 times throughout the night to puke, the neasuea was awful, absolutely awful. And at about midnight I started shaking uncontrollably, I didn’t feel cold, but I couldn’t stop shaking, it was scary and weird. Then the following morning, I was still sick, I was throwing up stomach acid and blood sense I had nothing else left in my stomach, I had no appetite and felt very dizzy, tired, weak, sick, my parents wondered why i was sick, i said i think i got food poisoning or whatever, they believed me.

I felt horrible, ODing on paracetemol is the worst idea ever, the only way you can actually die from it is if you actually do get liver failure, and dont get a liver transplant for it. I was in so much pain and I felt like shit, I threw up everything, felt so neasueated, dizzy, weak, constant headaches, my hearing was all weird, my chest hurt, I really thought I would be dead within a few days. So I just stayed in bed, waiting to die.

Then after 4 days, I started feeling better, had the strength to get out of bed, my appetite came back, it’s been over a week, I think I’m fully recovered from it, I feel okay, I still haven’t told anyone and don’t plan to, but I think my liver’s fine so I’m not concerned.

So yeah, those have been my suicide attempts so far.

I’m already planning my next one, one word – jump :/