I feel forever alone. I have family, friends, a husband, a beautiful baby girl, a job, everything I guess. But I feel that no one on this earth can ever understand me, our can stand me. What I feel and what I think are simply too complicated and perhaps annoying to the “normal” people. Whoever they are, I envy them. I wish I didn’t have to feel lonely. I wish I didn’t have to think about hanging myself just to feel better; like I have control over my life. Which is ironic. But everytime I am in a rut, all I want to do is kill myself. I dream about it, I think about, and just tonight I actually wanted to do it and I had the rope in sight already. And it felt so good having that option just to ease my pain and rid myself of hate for myself and yet felt so wrong for even thinking about leaving my poor baby alone to live in a cruel world without a mother. I feel so tired and frustrated and alone. I feel that if I talk to someone about this, they’d shun me or laugh at me or think that I’m absolutely crazy for even wanting to die. Perhaps I really am crazy. Maybe I should start seeking medical help. But I couldn’t even bring myself to go to a doctor and tell her or him that I’ve thought a lot about dying. It would be too embarassing. Too embarassing to admit my weakness. To admit my selfishness. To admit that I am flawed. I hate myself more than anything else and I wish the world were just rid of me. I am sure my husband would be better off without me. I am sure he can find someone better, saner than me. Someone who’d forever be happy by his side and not have a complaint in the world. Someone who’s perfect. Which I’m not. And therefore I deserve to die. And yes sure they’d cry a little at my funeral. But they’ll get over it sooner than they think. And the pain will subside quickly. My baby won’t even know me and wouldn’t even feel the pain. Perhaps she might ask questions when she’s older but at least she didn’t have to see me buried. When will this pain end? When will I ever realize that I don’t have to die to find happiness or to end my misery? It just seems like a roller coaster ride for me every single day. One minute I’m all okay and happy and content and the next minute I feel like trash, garbage – useless and insignificant. I wish I were dead if only to rid myself of these conflicting emotions. I am sure everyone would be happier without me. I would be happier when I’m dead.
5 comments
I like how you attempt to justify your exiting by saying your husband could find someone better. You are one helluva a lot smarter than that! Btw, that comment is in support of you and not a dig. You are not flawed…etc. You are having a real human experience and it is hard. I completely relate to everything you’ve expressed…the loneliness, the pain…the embarrassment. What if you accepted yourself and loved yourself anyway. Did your parents teach you that? You’re f’n precious and you should become enraged at your self loathing….that did not come from you, nor is it a natural expression of your being. You picked that up somewhere.
I’m in a public place as I write this and I feel scared, alone, out of place, angry…tired, boiling hot…symptoms off the charts that no one can help me with. But I refuse to allow any thoughts of self loathing enter my mind. skype me @ softsoul9 if you want to talk to someone who will put you straight. When you talk to the right people you get insight, perspective and understanding on WHY you’re experiencing what you’re feeling…..it’s normal, and not your fault. To say you are sure everyone would be happier without me…again is an attempt to wish yourself away and make yourself feel better about an act that destroys people’s hearts. Wake up babe….If you go, at least be clear and don’t make statements like that. If I went no one would be better off, and people would be shattered. Your statement is a reflection of YOUR own self worth….and you are valued and cherished. You just are….it begins and ends with that. It’s cool to vent and express, but be real with where you’re at….If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t respond-…fight for yourself. I couldn’t let what you said about yourself go unchecked. And you know what I’m saying….Cheers! Because you have the courage to post this nonsense…I encourage you to have a conversation with a like minded soul. Good luck.
Sound’s like your got post nato depression. Your got to go sea your doctor
I know you don’t want to. Do it.
Just remember who you will leave behind, ur daughter may not have to see u get buried, but it also means she will never have gotten to know you, forever asking what her mom was like. I’m not trying to talk you out of it (as it would be hypocritical of me to since i once tried…), i’m just saying she will never get to know her mother if you leave, even possibly causing thoughts to enter her mind.
hey renetta i also am alone and have an inferiority complex about me..i like to isolate but also desire meaningful healthy relationships with people..i have delusional thoughts and am greeted with discourse in return from observers…i feel your pain and i’m also understanding..i’m diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.. a thought disorder..i take meds and they seem to help some..i have small windows of joy temporarily that are swallowed whole immediately..if you ever want to chat about things i’ll listen and share my thoughts with you as well..you can email me at marc.gambino@yahoo.com if u want..take care
dont leave ur baby or husband……ur husband loves u and it would hurt him…..ur baby will need u……
for me, everything started in October..i didnt tell anyone at all…then it got to b soooo much, toooo much and now my life sucks…..its hard to get through a day and im 13…..talk to someone, even if u jus post and communicate here
u also have more freedom…..idk…take ur baby and leave ur husband and go someone where u always wanted to be……do whatever u want…..just live as much as u can…..
but who am i to say? its ur life, its up to you…..
but when u make it through this…..you’ll b stronger and no one can tear u down
im scared to live, not to die, and thats confusing too