Hello. My name is Chris, im from Poland. Soon i’ll turn 20. I have a lot of problems and im alone. My mother and grandfather died when i was 7. I didn’t even know my father. My grandmother is very sick, so she needs help from me and besauce nature of her disease is very painful, she oftem screams, even in the middle of the night. But dont think she’s just old poor woman, shes a devil. She lies like she’s trying to beat a record she cheats me on regular basis. I tried commit suicide first time after my uncle came, together with him she accused me of stealing money, it was when i was 17 i was beaten by police officers even through i did not resist and spend night under arrest, but finally, i was declared innocent. Some time after i for a first time tried to kill myself. I dont know how, but i survived and i was taken to mental hospital for three months. My doctor did not agreed to release me on my own request so i tried to get out with the help of court. But after waiting over 2 moths for judge, nobody came. Even through i recived a letter from court, on a date they set, nobody came. A moth after i was released, they sent me decision, in which judge decided to pay herself for “trial”. I stopped going to school and started taking morphine. When i was tanek from my home to hospital, my grandma called police because she said “i was trying to kill her” and they searched my home and now they wans to send me to prison for “illegal gun ownership”. They say they found in my home two pepper spray bullets. Many other things dissapeared from my home, but when i asced police about it they started yelling and making threats. Meanwhile in my home situation began to escalate. Often when i woke up in the morning and i got back to my room only 10 minutes later after a hot arguing with my grandma. I do have some friends, but we meet rarely. Today they visited me, i was happy about it until i saw them. Half of them were so drunk they could barely stand. They’re good people, but they cant help me. Nobody can. And those who can dont want to. Few months ago i tried again to kill myself, but i escaped after a week in hospital. In my life i had 5 diffrent doctors (not counting those in hospital) they prescribed me various antidepressants (lerivon, fluoxetine) but none of them worked for me. Last time when i had contact with doctor he prescribed me anti-psychotics (those are drugs for schizophrenia) then i decided that none of them will help me. I also dont wanna see my friends because they all have girlfriends. Ane when they’re not near they keep talking about “how big sex gods they are and how many girls they had” I had only one. And she left me after three months. I feel overhelmed and terribly lonely. And i cant see any way out of this hell. I’m pretty sure suicide is my only option. I only fear i’ll fail again.
3 comments
Jesuschrist!
All these drugs and anti-psychotics are ridiculous because you are not any ill person. You are a normal person exposed to brutal extreme circumstances. You are not schizophrenic either.
Lets see what your choices are.
1. When your grandmother dies of age or illness, are you going to have a place to live ? will you be able to live in that house ? if the answer is yes, then it is great. You will be a free man and with a place to live.
2. Have you tried to find a job ? In Poland the situation is not as bad as in Spain or Estonia. It should be possible to find some job for maintaning and staying away from that house.
3. If you have those problems, you dont need more. So, stay out of alcohol, guns, drugs, and drunk friends.
4. If you can find a good girl, life is easier when there are 2.
regards
O
I’d love help and I’m more than prepared to help a person like yourself out if your interested and give me the opportunity. I’d love to talk with you on Facebook (if you have one) or e-mail, which ever works for you. I’ve become very sensitive to those who are in that young adult age bracket who struggle with suicidal thoughts/issues.
I went through a storm not too long ago (last spring actually) and it lasted for a good 2-3 months. It seemed like everything that could possibly go wrong for me did. I a person who’s always tried to look at things from an optimistic perspective, but this time was so much different. Physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, I was being bombarded in every area. It was so challenging to wake up each day, even when it was bright and beautiful outside and not get caught up in those dark thoughts.
Thankfully I have plenty of people who love and care about me, and while I never shared my personal struggles, that was enough to stop me from taking my life. I never could be that selfish even though I desperately wanted it to end. Although I wouldn’t wish such feelings of despondency and hopelessness on anyone, I learned a lot about myself and I came out far better than before. While it sucked so badly, I can’t say that I wouldn’t go through it again (i know that sounds crazy) because the benefits I gained were FAR GREATER than the suffering itself.
Ironically, I found healing through commiserating with someone with the same problems as me. Although his condition was far worse. He struggled with alcohol, cutting, and dark thoughts, you name it. I thought wow I gotta help this guy out and what started out as something small blossomed into an amazing friendship. We literally would take a bullet for each other, that’s how close we are. There was nothing we’d hide from one another. It was just a wonderful loving, honest, and genuine friendship that unfortunately few people ever have the privilege of experiencing in that lifetime.
That experience taught me so much how to be the right friend to somebody in desperate need. I’m usually a good people person but I just learned and grew so much that I wanted to pour out that same goodness on others. By giving yourself away to those in need you feel such an awesome sense of peace and contentment even in the most dire circumstances.
I’d love to have that same opportunity with you. I’ve become so sensitive to those who have suicide on their mind. It’s so easy to identify with them and understand what they need. Ironically those who have personally struggled with suicide/suicidal thoughts are the most prepared to help those same individuals out. Yeah, it’s nice to be a professional psychologist/therapist etc. But nothing replaces going through that phase yourself. You have a greater amount of empathy, respect, and understanding of those who are suicidal when you’ve had suicidal episodes yourself vs. those who haven’t. That’s just a fact.
I would highly suggest you do the same if you can. Or at least find the right person you can trust to just be open and honest with. It’s a shame people aren’t always able to develop genuine friendships that we really need. It’s one of our greatest desires – to love and be loved by others. Sadly, most of our relationships are either business related or shallow.
I’d love to be able to chat or talk with you Chris. In spite of the carnage, I was very blessed to hear you story. It challenges me to reach out to people like you even though I don’t fully know them. I’m 21 so we’re nearly on the same level and I’d be more than thrilled to talk and be the good friend that you need pal. I can tell you where to contact me if you wish to do so. You ought it to yourself to give it a try, what do you have to lose???
Love you pal, take care of yourself!!!
yours truly,
jonathan k.
Well, i suppose we can talk. Wiartak@spoko.pl An as for first post the home we live in is mine, i dont work but i have my source of income, i dont like alcohol and most drugs (except opioids… they just in opposite to all antidepressants i tried… work) and i never had anything to do with illegal guns.