It’s a little after midnight and I’m literally going to fall asleep in this chair.Â I’m so tired….I have cried so much in the last few hours and mostly I have no idea why.
Trying to decide if I’m on here because I have no one else to talk to or just because I’m too damn old to be writing my feeling in a tiny journal for someone to come across and read.Â A journal is too personal. This seems a lot like how I feel cold, distant, something you can put words into without having much meaning and the people who read this are like me so why not?
I’m 23 and God that seems so old.Â I never thought I would make it to this age.Â Figured I would have followed through with my plans before now, but I guess that is the one thing I am good at: NOT finishing anything.Â I hate my job.Â I work in retail and it is stupid I hate the people and the busiest of it. I stay crazy and tired. I work all the time now.Â I’m going to school for yet another degree I will either not finish or never use.Â I guess I just enjoy wasting my parent’s money and listening to them say how they want more than a factory job for me like they have.Â Why do they even try?Â My brother is the one with a perfect GPA going to be a chemical engineer and go to med school how the hell do you compete with that?Â I still love him though and worry that I’m not the only one who is depressed.Â I know he knows and I know he has seen the scars from my cutting hopefully he has never told anyone.
I want to cut so bad. It is such a release, but I haven’t because I don’t want people to see.Â I don’t think my boyfriend cares, but he says he does and he just doesn’t understand my strange behavior.Â Constantly tells me I am nothing like I was when we started dating last summer.Â I was more fun and independent which is total bullshit.Â I was distant and held everyone an arm’s length.Â I was fun and outgoing, but I also didn’t let anyone get too close because I had a series of bad events happen at once.Â My ex who I was still in love with got engaged and then called to tell me about it and to get off his chest that he has been cheating the whole three years and then if that wasn’t enough one of my best guy friends (who I previously had dated) died in a car accident.
Life is bullshit.Â The people who deserve to live don’t and people who feel damned like us can’t seem to just die.