I woke up, got dressed, took my dad’s car to school (cuz my car had a huge layer of ice all over and it wouldnt melt in time) and went to class.
when i got there, i just wanted to cry. it was so hard not to.
because i realized that i really dont want to study radiology. probably not even health care at all.
I’m bombing my biomedical terminology class, i can never focus on my homework, and i never learned to study (never really had to in high school.) this is a 4-credit-hour class (honors level) that is required for anybody who is going to work in health care. and I’m bombing it. FML.
the thing is, if i dont work in health care, i dont know what else im going to do. i love art, music, and science, but im never going to get good enough grades to work with science or health care. and there are no jobs for someone with a music or art degree (fuck teaching, im never doing that.)
my whole life is fucked if i dont figure this shit out. no way am i working in retail for the rest of my life.
i dont know what the fuck to do. sitting in class, i really just wanted to give up and go off myself. after wednesday of course (my bf and i, thats our 1-year anniversary) after spring break (might as well have some fun before i go. get drunk, smoke some cigarettes.) but im not sure if i should do it before my 20th birthday or after. it would be nice to know what its like to not be a teenager anymore. but i dont want to accept gifts from people just to die a few days later. i know suicide is a selfish thing, but accepting gifts from people then killing yourself seems even more selfish.
i dont know what to do about my bf though. this would ruin him for the rest of his life.
but ive been depressed pretty much my whole life. and i dont know how im going to put up with it for the rest of my life for another 30, 40, or 50 years. fuck that shit.