My preferred name is Aurey, I’m 19 years old and I feel like I’m ready to die. My life has just been one big ball of shit since I was 4 years old and my disgusting asshole father started molesting me. It got shittier when my parents split and I had to move away from everything I knew. Since I was 11 years old I’ve had no friends, but for people who get sick of hearing me whine about my life. I got married last october 28th, and our marriage lasted 2 weeks before I left him for this guy I fell head over heels in love with at work. He promised me he’d never beat me or ignore me, say cruel things, and try to cheat on me like my husband did, and it’s only true that he never hit me. I moved in with him to get away from my husband who was threatening suicide if I left. He attempted but failed. I lived with the guy from work for a month before he broke up with me and kicked me out. The reason being, because I kept getting mad at him for talking to his exgirlfriend when she was saying things like “can I fuck you” and trying to convince him that he didn’t really love me, he just felt sorry for me. So after he kicked me out he still continued to come over to my apartment to have sex with me, until Christmas, when his ex came to visit and he stopped coming over, talking to me at work and answering my texts. After new years he started talking to me again, and coming over for sex. I soon learned that his ex had never left, she had moved in with him and I was no longer allowed at his house that I used to live in. He continued using me for sex for the next 2 months, he said we were “semi-together” and that he wouldn’t mind being with me. That he loved me, saw us getting married and having a family together. Then he stopped coming over but like once or twice a week, so he could spend more time with his ex. He kept blowing me off and blowing me off that I eventually blew up, and told him I gave up on trying to get him to come over, and he starts telling me I’m crazy, and I need on medication, that he can only help me so much and that my depression isn’t his fault. He stopped responding to my texts after saying that. The next day at work I asked him if I could get a chance to talk to him that day and he said no. I got so upset I had to leave work early crying hysterically. I texted him later asking if I could fix this and he said probably not. Unless I’m willing to change, but he’s guessing I’m not. I asked him how I needed to change and he said if I didn’t know than forget it. I begged sayong I’d change, I just didn’t know what he wanted me to change, told him I love him more than anything, and that I’d do whatever it takes to make us work, and he never responded. Then tonight at work he said we wouldn’t be hanging out at lunch anymore, and thy ge wasn’t gonna give me another chance. He said its because he didn’t appreciate the way I acted towards him. I asked how I acted badly and he never responded.
Now I’m half assedly trying to go back to my husband for fear of being alone. He’s not making it easy.
I have no friends, my family’s a bunch of assholes, and I hate myself.
I’m unable to have children, so I always considered my cat Gabriel, my son. About a year ago he died of cancer. We did everything we could, but it was just too late. I died with him. I lost all my love for the world when he died. I had been a very obsessively strict vegan for 2 years, and I started eating animal products again after that. I just stopped caring about everything.
I’ve dealt with suicidal feelings since I was 11 years old. I even had a sad pathetic suicide attempt when I was 15. But I’m really ready now. I want to depart. My greatest concern is the method. I had been trying to study the helium hood method, but didn’t want to wait so long to order the actual hood. I was curious if tying a garbage bad around my neck, filling it with a 30 balloon helium tank from the store, then quickly tightening the bag around my neck would work? Theoretically I should be able to fill the bag with enough helium to make me pass out, then just suffocate from the bag right? Please tell me if that seems feasible. The idea of waking up after soiling myself or getting brain damage don’t sound very appealing. I failed once, I don’t want to again