I have been thinking about this for sometime….I have a gun (taken from my dad) two bullets (just in case one is a dud) and I know where to go. I actually lay in bed and think about my walking to this spot and doing it. It actually makes me feel good. wtf, Ihave made such a mess of my shit life, I always made the wrong decision or have my hopes raised very high , then I get an “im sorry, we cannot hire you” or you have not been chosen. I have tried to make things better but as soon as they seem to be getting better, everything falls apart yet again. i am almost 38, i have no job, i had a job and a great place, but quit because i was offered another job, then it was not offered because of something that happend in my past, (yet i have worked for many companies since). I fucking do things because i think they will make things better and they get worse, much worse. I see people in my family happy and successfuly and cannot take to see it any longer. i am at the end of the rope.
I have no ne that I can talk to, no girlfriend for the past 3 years, besides who would want me like this…..completely alone although surrounded by people.Â I am not the kind of person who wants people to feel sorry for me, but it would be nice to talk to someone and have them say, “i understand and I have felt like that too, but it gets better”.Â
I do not like to have people say, it will be better, when they have no idea what i feel like.
I constantly find myself thinking of how things were in my life and how much fun it was, then thinking of how i have made a complete mess out of it and how bad things are now….i hate myself so so much and know everything that has happened is my fault…why keep trying to make things better when I know what will happen anyway.Â Kind of a “cut your losses” type of thing and that sounds just about right.Â Even as I read over this, it pisses me off that I am such a loser and not worth the words I have typed…