I have been thinking about this for sometime….I have a gun (taken from my dad) two bullets (just in case one is a dud) and I know where to go. I actually lay in bed and think about my walking to this spot and doing it. It actually makes me feel good. wtf, Ihave made such a mess of my shit life, I always made the wrong decision or have my hopes raised very high , then I get an “im sorry, we cannot hire you” or you have not been chosen. I have tried to make things better but as soon as they seem to be getting better, everything falls apart yet again. i am almost 38, i have no job, i had a job and a great place, but quit because i was offered another job, then it was not offered because of something that happend in my past, (yet i have worked for many companies since). I fucking do things because i think they will make things better and they get worse, much worse. I see people in my family happy and successfuly and cannot take to see it any longer. i am at the end of the rope.
I have no ne that I can talk to, no girlfriend for the past 3 years, besides who would want me like this…..completely alone although surrounded by people. I am not the kind of person who wants people to feel sorry for me, but it would be nice to talk to someone and have them say, “i understand and I have felt like that too, but it gets better”.Â
I do not like to have people say, it will be better, when they have no idea what i feel like.
I constantly find myself thinking of how things were in my life and how much fun it was, then thinking of how i have made a complete mess out of it and how bad things are now….i hate myself so so much and know everything that has happened is my fault…why keep trying to make things better when I know what will happen anyway. Kind of a “cut your losses” type of thing and that sounds just about right. Even as I read over this, it pisses me off that I am such a loser and not worth the words I have typed…
9 comments
I feel the same way.
I know how you feel and it really does get better. You will get a new job. There are many agencies that can help you get a job. Feeling alone is awful, but you can get through this. You can go to groups with similar people who also know how it feels to being going through the same situation.
Agenices for a job are not the issue….i HATE to brag but I extremely good at what I do and have tons of offers. At the same time, I feel like I give myself way too much credit BUT know that I am that good at what i do. It is a consant tug of war inside my head. One minute I feel uplifted and think things will be ok, and the very next minute (and for hours and hours more) think to myself, “i am just kidding myself and tell myself that I am worthless”
How do i win at that?
I have dealt with that same struggle. I just know that you have to keep on remembering the positive things and don’t dwell on the negative. The negative tend to overwhelm all thoughts. Negative thoughts seem to become more true to us the more we dwell on them.
I know that I should not dwell on the past and look to the future, but I also know of my track record for good things getting destroyed because of the wrong decisions i will most likely make. I know that some people say that I should just be positive, but being positive has never worked quite right for me. I wish for a “reset” but know it is not possible
I know how you feel with making the wrong decisions. But I know everyday is a chance to make the right decisions. Even when we feel like we can’t do things right, we always can.
i know how it is feeling guilty for everything even for complaining and telling how you feel like you dont have the right to do it and youll feel weak in the eyes of the others for doing so that nothing can go right and just getting so tired of the shit that happens all the time and you cant control…i dont know if it get etter or not at least for me it hasnt yet ut im here if you want to talk aout anything
I can’t say I know how you feel, because I really don’t. But I know hat it feels like to be alone, even when you have people who love you.
I’m here, if you want to talk. Just ask for email.
Although I have a decent job and salary, I feel the same and I don’t know what I have done to be like this. I still have good friends around me (no family though) but I am lonely because I know I no longer fit in. If they only knew what was in my head. I am 36 with no partner and feel too damaged to burden someone else. I used to think about suicide but that feeling has passed but I still struggle on with depression.