Believe me, I get it. I know you think you’re a complete loser. And quite possibly the biggest of them all. But sorry, I take the cake. You don’t even know.Â
I’m 46. I’m obese. I am financially crippled (who still borrows money from their aged parents at 46?!). My health sucks. My health sucks because I don’t take care of myself. I have diabetes and a number of other health issues. After being laid off in Sept. ’10 due to my big mouth and shitty attitude, I was unemployed for three months. Got a new job. Turns out it’s a really terrible job. I should never have taken it. The money is awful, the job cannot be done successfully, and now I’ve been out twice for medical issues. And since I’m on probation at work (90 day new employee probation), I don’t have health insurance. My husband is very dear but he can’t handle this, really, and shouldn’t have to. As of two weeks ago, his 13 year old son moved in with us. I don’t want to be a parent and I suck at it anyway. All I do is lay around, cry, and make myself and everyone around me miserable. I’ve been on antidepressants for years, been to therapy several times, had periods of hope. But it all comes back to the fact that I’m a failure.  I couldn’t breath correctly if it wasn’t automatic. I can’t get or remain financially, emotionally, or physically stable. And quite possibly the worst part is that I am so hugely disappointed in myself. No, the worst part is that I’m letting everyone down and they’ve (family and friends) been good cheerleaders.  But really, who can live like this? I can’t point to one good quality in myself other than the fact that I am a good actress (you’d never guess any of this about me if you met me). Oh, and I have a good grasp on grammar and punctuation. Yay. I’m looking forward to homelessness, further poor health, hopelessness, and eventual death in a cardboard box under a freeway.  Frankly, it can’t come soon enough. And the icing on the cake? I’m too chicken s**t to kill myself. Wow, can’t even do that right.
2 comments
You seem to suffer a lot, I am sorry for your losses. At least you have your family, keep trying, eventually you will get there, practise makes a master, even all professionals were beginners. You may have problems…. However, do try your best… Eventually if you keep trying with as much effort as you can you can bring a change to what you have. Your health is getting worse? You are still alive… Teach others of the mistakes you have done when you get the chance to… Allow others not to go through what you are going through, at least by doing that you will know that you did some kind of success. Even if you failed at that you would be successful at trying. Teach your 13 year old what you have learnt from life that caused you suffering. If you see him living good because of what you taught him then truly you have proven yourself a success. We all fail at some points in life… I myself have failed at many things many times with however I redeemed myself with all of my misery’s except one which I am still working on… Good luck to you, may your life be at peace along with your family. If you are jobless find another job, I don’y believe that there are no jobs left at all… Even a small job may not give you a high salary but high enough at least to feed your family. A parent capable to feed their family… Would that not be a massive success? I am not a parent so I do not know but my father when he was young was a beggar in the streets. He fought for his education though. He always worked with his family to regain a proper position in his life. After his hard working and when I was born I lived in a beautiful duplex. I am proud of my father and as he never gave up you should not either. My father is proud that he succeeded in giving his family a place to live well. You can do the same… You can bring success to your family and then you yourself can be proud knowing that you achieved that. Don’t give up… No matter what happens. Do not give up. You say your life was more horrific though? Read what I posted longer time ago.. I am fortunate as I found out that everything I needed was around me.
http://suicideproject.org/2011/01/is-my-life-punishment-for-my-mistakes/
Don’t wanna be a jerk, but you really can’t put yourself down /right/ if you haven’t even /tried/ to live. You don’t have to be a super model to live your life happy. Hell, I don’t shower often at all and I’m still doin’ okay. While I am quite a bit younger being 14 and in high school, I understand that I probably won’t have an impact on you, but you have to try before cry. /Try/ doing something different. Try.