… if it will hurt when I do it.
…if I will have any last minute regrets.
… if my family will forgive me.
… if I can really go through with it.
… if I really want to go through with it.
… if I don’t go through with it, how long until the unreality
                           drives me nuts.  Â
Then I’m back to “I can’t live like this”,
and I Wonder…
… if Matt, my shrink will forgive me.
… if he will understand that he didn’t fail me, I failed myself.
… if he will understand how much it hurts knowing I can’t call        Â
                            when I do it because he will call 911Â
                           when he realizes there’s no talking me out ofÂ
                                                                        IT.
Sometimes I Wonder… so for now I hang in there. I wake up every morning at 5 am to move my car so my hubby can get out of the driveway. Get ready for work. Creep on this site for an hour or two. Go to work, where it sounds like a zoo and many times smells like one. Come home. Eat dinner. Creep on here some more (lol) … or research methods.                                       Go to bed.
And 3 days a week I go to see Matt.    Â
Yeah, sometimes I wonder…
8 comments
I think that the first thing that you have to do is find something to live for. It sounds like life is boring according to your description. I know that it’s easier said than done, but try.
yeah, I ve tried. I mean I enjoy reading but lately I’m having a hard time even concentrating on that.
Boring pretty much describes it. Even the weekends but at least I’m hanging out at home relaxing instead of working. I had wanted to go back to school but I’ve found out I just can’t concentrate, something called depersonalization disorder. It’s like I’m watching someone else or I’m only half there. My shrink tried me on Abilify but it made me too groggy and I was falling asleep at work. Stress makes it worse but even day to day is getting bad now… it’s like it’s a default setting now and I can’t figure out how to get my brain back to normal.
I think most of us here wonder about most of those things to and yeah i do the same i always look through this site and research methods i feel like it a secret side to me that noone knows about
Reading became my world. my oh so sweet escape. but reality always comes crashing back. 🙁
@ indigo, lately I’d give anything to have reality be oh, so real… feels like I’m dreaming, like life isn’t real, it’s like being in a fog all the time.
@ crying I know what you mean. This was from an earlier post.
On my way home today I was thinking how strange it is to KNOW you’re going to die, next week or next year or sometime in between…
Idk. Only that it’s a sure thing and only a matter of time. It’s a very strange feeling.
People only see what I allow them to see. They only know what I tell them
I have this secret … I’m going to die.
We don’t want to see you go
@ Journey, You’re right about the feeling about dying. For a while I thought about suicide but never really felt it. Something changes on the inside when you actually feel that its going to happen. Thank you for the words of wonder… by the way.