I want to be left alone. A lot of times, death just seems (hopefully) to be the only thing on my mind. I have stuck around, with the feeble promises that “it will get better”, only to find that it doesn’t. Quite frankly, I am tired of sticking around proving everyone wrong.
I am 32, going on 33. For the longest time, I have contemplated suicide, at least since I was 10. A former military dependent, I was constantly on the move. I never developed a continued group of friends. I was the constant victim of bullying during middle and high school, even assaults. Half-amusingly, when you get your face beat in as a child, they just call it “fighting”, regardless of if you threw as many punches as your attacker, or stood there without lifting a single finger (I fall into the latter category).
I was told that this was just the youth of my age, adults didn’t act that way. Wrong. The physical abuse/conflict is merely replaced with society walking all over you to get what it wants, without a care as to the effect on you, or without any intent to reciprocate in a needed manner.
My job touches people from all walks of life. Schools, law enforcement, hospitals, military, churches, large and small business, individuals. Sometime I work with the same person for only a few days. Sometimes for several weeks or months. Tell them they didn’t get XYZ item because they did not PAY FOR IT in a very polite and professional manner, and they get the opportunity to review you, essentially taking out their frustration on you. Such reviews make up the bulk of ones own performance in my job.
One may say, “Well get a new job.” I don’t see that as solution, because the society I speak of will still be there. To me, the reality of it all is: This world is horrid, and I really just don’t want to be here anymore.