Who am I? According to my faith I’m a child of God. A tired child at 53. A youthful 53. I was bodybuilding as a hobby for 20 years. Quit training 3 weeks ago. I’ve realized after all the years of depression, that I have a mental condition. I’ve been to the hospital, the psychiatrist, the church, and meds for the first time last year. I just can’t seem to quiet the thoughts. I’m not good enough, I’ll never be good enough, I’m a failure, and I just don’t belong here on earth. I have no criminal record. I’m just a guy that has tried my damndest to fit into society. I don’t. I interact with people. Very few people know I’ve been homeless 2 yrs. I just don’t seem to have the will anymore to go out and ‘ make it happen ‘. Strange. Almost died two years ago of an infection. Why didn’t I? 6 months later almost died in a river. Just as I made peace to go down for good…I f *in got rescued! Why? What good is life groveling for existence. It’s not IF I commit suicide, but when. I’d like the few things I have to go to someone that needs it. I don’t like the state america. Violence, greed, unending laws, hunger, homelessness, people with so much but unwilling to share to the needy. I could go on but what’s the point. As I’ve read some of the other stories here, I’m comforted that I’m not a freak that is overwhelmed by my existence. When I go, I won’t make any mistakes. They won’t take your corpse to jail if suicide is a crime ( Now that’s funny to me). I’m just tired of earth. Just tired.
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2 comments
Please just go out and help people. Try to make people realize how selfish they are and try to convince them to change. That is a noble pursuit.
I understand being tired. That’s exactly how I feel. The struggle to face the same f-ing struggle everyday figuring out how to continue to exist.
I try to think that there just might be something that I might miss if I leave this earth by my own hand. Death will find us eventually, we might as well hang in there till the end.
Violence, Greed, homelessness have existed forever aka the struggle of the haves versus the have-nots. Religion used as an front to conquer a land and take its resources. Humans have the ability to create, destroy, and have compassion for others.Finding a way through this chaos exhausts me.