Last night, I’d had enough, I was tired, upset and suicidal. My family were pissing me off, I kept going off into my own world and if they spoke to me, and I didn’t reply they’d get angry and throw insults at me. I never expect my family to understand how I plan my life out, or how they expect me to do well, because they don’t agree with who I’ve chosen, who I want to be with or my future career with horses. Yeah, I’m a horse rider, I’ve been told I’ll go far, I have natural talent and that I’m a talented one with a good future ahead of me.
They were putting me down, yelling ‘You’re a failure! You’ll get nowhere in life!’
I went out, left the house.. Walked out and ignored their calls to get back here this instance. And walked down to the river which is the other end of town.. I sat on the bridge, above the river which goes through a local town.. It’s known as ‘The Falls’ around here.. And there are alot of rocks there. I was using the eBuddy app on my phone on msn. And my friend Rob, popped up and asked if I was alright because my PM seemed a little depressed. I told him the truth. No I wasn’t.
He asked what I was doing because normally at that time of night I’d be at home.. And I simply said ‘Sitting on a bridge, Above a rather furious and pissed off river..’
He then asked ‘Are you going to do anything stupid?’
I thought about saying yes. But if I did, he’d start saying you have too much to live for.. And use the ultimate weapon. Which everyone knows, If they use that I’ll immediately change my mind.
I made this promise. A while ago, my suicidal thoughts and attempts were not a secret.. If anything the only people who didn’t know, were my family, and my boss back then. Why? I plastered this fake forced smile, faked happiness. Just so I didn’t have to go through counseling again.
And that promise ? To never attempt suicide. Why ?
Because the person I made that promise to, means the world to me. And said if I go, he will too. Because he can’t live without me.
And I simply replied to my friends concerned comment ‘No.. Sitting on a bridge above running water makes me realize one thing. Life is just like a river, Your path is already planned out. And just like any path, it will have twists and turns along the way; you don’t know what’s ahead of you till you get there, Your destination is unknown till you reach it. And your journey has ended.’
And all he said was ‘I guess, but sitting on a bridge in the mood you’re in, makes it seem like you’re contemplating it.’
Because that’s what I want to hear, But. Instead of doing that, I got off the bridge, walked home and went to bed. I don’t feel proud, relieved or anything. I just felt deflated. Because I live by the saying that your life is like a river. And if people can’t see why. Then they haven’t suffered like we have.
<3
6 comments
Sometimes I go for a walk by a creek near where I live. I think about that the creek flows to the river, and the river to a bigger river, and then to the gulf, and the gulf to the ocean. Also we are made of water; the water came from my creek, or your river, or the ocean, and it all repeats for millions of years, the water evaporates and goes somewhere else. Makes me feel we are all a part of someone else.
It makes me understand now that to ‘go against the stream’ is not that easy.
People often preached of how if you don’t like something, then go chase it, even if it has to go against the flow of the river, swimming upstream.
But your metaphor here and what comment above me have perfectly reminded me again of one very crucial thing: we are a very, very small thing in this big, vast thing called Life.
Sometimes, no matter how many plans & efforts we’re doing, we can never go against the ‘flow of the river (Life)’, wherever it’ll take us…
But sometimes I wonder if we could *choose* which kind of different river we could swim into, and thus following the RIGHT flow…
man you have such wonderful friends . You even have someone who can die for you ,do you know how lucky you are , i wish i could be in your place, i never had such great friends and everyone has been called failure at one or other time and what if we fail ,filure is the steppin stone for success just remember there are people who are wors than you and they are living. feel glad for being a ood person
man you have such wonderful friends . You even have someone who can die for you ,do you know how lucky you are , i wish i could be in your place, i never had such great friends and everyone has been called failure at one or other time and what if we fail ,filure is the steppin stone for success just remember there are people who are wors than you and they are living. feel glad for being a oood person
good not ood 🙂
That was a brilliant post, thanks for sharing. The river idea is quite deep, I like that.
It’s cool that you have a talent as well. And someone who loves you deeply.
I liked the part about the “fake smile” thing. I’ve had to do that for the past three years at my old mundane job. It was tough staying happy, but I tried.
I’m still a huge wreck at the moment, but I still liked your story. Good luck on your journey.