Trying to change

the one thing that makes me want to die, is i have no one who wants me here. at least, not to me. i’m a worthless, horrible excuse for a human. i am the baby of my family, and so i was given special treatment basically. i got out of trouble when i should have been in trouble, i got extra presents, i got what i wanted usually. but now, i hate that fact. i hate the fact that i was given special treatment, because it has turned me into a narcissist, who always expects everything to be given to him. i expect everything to just be handed to me, and no questions asked. i hate this about myself, but yet i continue doing it. everyday, my hate just grows and grows, slowly eating me away emotionally. i noticed this about myself a few years ago, after someone finally told me i was selfish, which is completely true. i am selfish to an extreme degree, and i live by it everyday. ever since i noticed it, i started thinking about myself, from the past up to present, and what the future will likely hold. to me, i see it being me dead. or at least, that’s what i’m hoping. i simply don’t deserve to be here, and never will be. i produce no joy, no comfort, and no benefit for this world. all i’ve caused in this world is rage, waste, and uselessness. i will never bring something beneficial or kind to any human life, so i believe i deserve to die. humans aren’t meant to be this way. we are meant to be loving, benevolent, and giving to others, but i am incapable of this. i’ve been trying for years to change it, but i lose the battle more everyday, because the selfishness takes over me more. i can’t remember the last time i brought joy to someone else…especially my family. i’m a monster. i never deserved life, and if there is a hell, i hope i fucking burn in it, for i deserve it. i don’t deserve to be cared for, i don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy, and most of all, i don’t deserve love. i only deserve punishment, and suffering for that’s all i have brought to this world. i hear my friends tell me that i’m a nice person everyday, but i’m not. i use everyone of them, against their trust. everyday, i put on a smile and try to act normal. but on the inside i am tearing apart at the seams, and get closer to just fucking ending my pathetic excuse for a life. i never once deserved to be given a chance. every time i hear of someone dying in a car accident, i wish that was me so a life that is worth being taken, would have been taken instead. i’m not meant to be here, and never will be. i deserve death, and always will. i’m a horrible fucking person…