My life has been full of trials, growing up being sexually abused by my father. Â Facing him in court in my adult years. Â Losing everyone I knew in my childhood because my father was a manipulator and turned them against me and lied to cover his tracks. Â Losing my mother, who sided with my father and worked with him to discredit me. Â (The court saw through both of them just so as you know) Suffering depression and finding no help from health care professionals who told me it was a long time ago, deal with it. Losing my home in the recession of the 90’s. Â Losing my husband to suicide when I was just 38 and mother to four children. Â Living with the stigma of that event and the fall out of such a traumatic loss. Â Having to up and move my whole family after the death because of gossip and bullying in the community. Â Being called a murdered and the likes.
So why do I say all of this. Â Well, I have been reading a lot of post here tonight, as it is my first time here. Â I am struck by how hopeless so many feel. Â Hopeless enough to consider opting out. Â I know we all have the option. Â We can end our own lives at any moment if we wish. Â I tried myself after losing my husband, when all the hurt and pain of my whole life came tumbling down on me from a great height, leaving me in deep depression. Â The grief following the loss, kind of merged into depression. Â I spent many years in psychotherapy. Â Did family therapy. Â Was dosed up to the eye balls with anti-depressants. Had counselling through my work, the counselor herself breaking down in front of me at one point saying it was the saddest thing she had ever heard. Â What hope did I have of carrying on with any quality of life I wondered.
That was then. Â This is now. Â I just want to tell everyone, no matter how bad things are they will change. Â As I told someone who wants to die tonight, even if we stand perfectly still, in one spot and do and say nothing, things will change. Â We can’t stop time passing and the world moving on no matter how much we want it to see our pain. Â If you can just wait it out. Â Take one day at a time and start to think positively it will make all the difference in time. Â If we chose life, we have time. Â If we chose death, there is no time. Â It took a long time for me to emerge from the deepest depression and much of that I owe to my free will. Â No one tells me how to think or what to do. Â I chose. Â I used every resource at my disposal. Â Books, therapy, internet and support of those who love me. Â It is very easy to get into a negative way of thinking and often just changing one thing can have a huge impact on how we feel. Â For me, I started using positive affirmations. Â I used to say things like I am rubbish, I am too fat, I am in a crappy job. Â Once I stopped that it did change things.
I am not a religious person, more spiritual and I really do think we can change our own lives. Â I have. Â Not saying I am whole and fixed and everything which went before is forgotten. Â Not saying I don’t get sad or upset. Â I am human. Â What I am saying is I have chosen to live. Â That takes far more courage than dying. Â It’s easy to die. Â Easy for us. Â Hell for those left behind. Â Take it from a family who know first hand what suicide does to the survivors. Â Anything you think you are struggling with which makes you feel suicidal is nothing compared to living with the image my children live with, of their dad hanging from a window.
Please come to my daughter’s group if you are needing support. Â Always there to talk.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7383862180
8 comments
wow, thank you for writing this. It gave me some hope on the future, this truly spoke to me.
Neverthesame, If I am still here after all the things I have seen and experienced then you can be too. Learning to love yourself takes a lifetime for some of us and who knows if we will ever even get there. I have hated myself since my first thoughts. How could I let my father do those things to me in his bed. I was so angry growing up, but outwardly was the little blonde girl with the infectious smile. Always smiling and alway so shy. I pushed the memories to the depths of my mind in order to live what appeared outwardly a normal life. I denied to myself what had happened for so long but then I had my own child and I found myself reliving the abuse daily. I did the right thing I know. I protected my children from my father, but in the process lost my mother and everyone who had ever known me in my childhood. This was a chapter in my life. I thought this was the worse thing that could happen to me. I was wrong.
In 2001 my husband hung himself in my daughter’s bedroom, whilst my children and I were in the house, leaving his eldest child, then 16, to find him. I can’t even begin to tell you how that was for all of us. If you imagine the worst nightmare you have ever had then imagine being awake having it, well, not even close. My husband took self harm to the extreme. In doing so he hurt hundreds of people and ruined the lives of his parents, brother, myself and his children, not to mention extended family and friends who were in shock. My husband was not a depressive person, he liked a drink and was a bit upset that night, but his actions came out of the blue. All of his life he had been the life and soul of any party, he loved life, loved sunshine and music and was the most popular bloke where ever he went. I guess you could say his self harm was his drinking and smoking. I want you to see that harming ourselves is a conscious choice. No one is forcing us, we think it and do it. What I would love for you is to find another release for your inner pain. Only you can make that change. If you need someone to talk to, anytime come to my face book page and message me. My children are 20, 21, 25 and 26 so I know all about the problems they have faced and the trials they have overcome. Lean on me, I can take it. Love Tina. x http://www.facebook.com/
Dear Tina,..thank you so much for sharing such very powerful post. I almost got teary-eyed when I read ur post.
Over the course of time I’ve visited this website, I’ve read and known truly some of the greatest, most inspirational individuals here in this blue site,..and you’re among one of them.
Allow me to repeat and quote what you said above:
“As I told someone who wants to die tonight, even if we stand perfectly still, in one spot and do and say nothing, things will change. We can’t stop time passing and the world moving on no matter how much we want it to see our pain. If you can just wait it out. Take one day at a time and start to think positively it will make all the difference in time. If we chose life, we have time. If we chose death, there is no time.”
This sentences alone is worth to be printed on my wall,
because of how encouraging, wise, and inspirational this is.
Thank you so much dear Tina,
if anything,.I’d say I owe my life to you.
Blessed are you always.
Niki, thank you so much. Your response brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I only write from my heart. Everything comes from my own, real experience not a book or some ideology. There is always hope even in our darkest moments but it is up to us to keep that hope alive. It would be oh so easy just to slip into some oblivion and never come back again when depression or grief takes a hold, but I am a great believer in the power of our own minds. Our thought patterns affect our behaviours. No one is putting those thoughts there, just us. We can turn our lives around. We just have to want to. Thank you once more for your lovely response as this is my first time on this forum. xx
And I think I’ll join ur facebook support group today.
Thx.
Niki and neverthesame, I know I can speak on Tina’s, my mum, behalf. She will be touched by what you have both said. I hope you both do take a look and join our group. Many thanks xxx
Thank you Holly for writing that. xxxx
Eloquent and inspiring. Thank you!