My life has been full of trials, growing up being sexually abused by my father. Â Facing him in court in my adult years. Â Losing everyone I knew in my childhood because my father was a manipulator and turned them against me and lied to cover his tracks. Â Losing my mother, who sided with my father and worked with him to discredit me. Â (The court saw through both of them just so as you know) Suffering depression and finding no help from health care professionals who told me it was a long time ago, deal with it. Losing my home in the recession of the 90’s. Â Losing my husband to suicide when I was just 38 and mother to four children. Â Living with the stigma of that event and the fall out of such a traumatic loss. Â Having to up and move my whole family after the death because of gossip and bullying in the community. Â Being called a murdered and the likes.
So why do I say all of this. Â Well, I have been reading a lot of post here tonight, as it is my first time here. Â I am struck by how hopeless so many feel. Â Hopeless enough to consider opting out. Â I know we all have the option. Â We can end our own lives at any moment if we wish. Â I tried myself after losing my husband, when all the hurt and pain of my whole life came tumbling down on me from a great height, leaving me in deep depression. Â The grief following the loss, kind of merged into depression. Â I spent many years in psychotherapy. Â Did family therapy. Â Was dosed up to the eye balls with anti-depressants. Had counselling through my work, the counselor herself breaking down in front of me at one point saying it was the saddest thing she had ever heard. Â What hope did I have of carrying on with any quality of life I wondered.
That was then. Â This is now. Â I just want to tell everyone, no matter how bad things are they will change. Â As I told someone who wants to die tonight, even if we stand perfectly still, in one spot and do and say nothing, things will change. Â We can’t stop time passing and the world moving on no matter how much we want it to see our pain. Â If you can just wait it out. Â Take one day at a time and start to think positively it will make all the difference in time. Â If we chose life, we have time. Â If we chose death, there is no time. Â It took a long time for me to emerge from the deepest depression and much of that I owe to my free will. Â No one tells me how to think or what to do. Â I chose. Â I used every resource at my disposal. Â Books, therapy, internet and support of those who love me. Â It is very easy to get into a negative way of thinking and often just changing one thing can have a huge impact on how we feel. Â For me, I started using positive affirmations. Â I used to say things like I am rubbish, I am too fat, I am in a crappy job. Â Once I stopped that it did change things.
I am not a religious person, more spiritual and I really do think we can change our own lives. Â I have. Â Not saying I am whole and fixed and everything which went before is forgotten. Â Not saying I don’t get sad or upset. Â I am human. Â What I am saying is I have chosen to live. Â That takes far more courage than dying. Â It’s easy to die. Â Easy for us. Â Hell for those left behind. Â Take it from a family who know first hand what suicide does to the survivors. Â Anything you think you are struggling with which makes you feel suicidal is nothing compared to living with the image my children live with, of their dad hanging from a window.
Please come to my daughter’s group if you are needing support. Â Always there to talk.