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Who Knows

I am alone

I am without

I am crying

But  I know

That life on earth

Is changing

For the worst

I want to leave

But I am tied

I need you

But you can’t help me

So leave

I’ll miss you

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6 comments

charlotte_intheskywithdiamonds 2/18/2011 - 7:09 pm

It’s charlotte again and I was wondering if 77Evergone77 and Gray35 are still here. I miss them:(

Hollyb 2/18/2011 - 7:20 pm

I am new here, Im sorry I dont know. ((Hugs)) for you though xxx

charlotte_intheskywithdiamonds 2/18/2011 - 7:57 pm

Hey Hollyb. whats your story? r u suicidal?

Hollyb 2/19/2011 - 6:45 am

My story… When I was 16 my dad commited suicide (38 years old). I found him hanging in my bedroom, a memory that will never leave me. He left behind 4 children, myself, my 15 year old brother Lewis, Shannon who was 10 and Tiffany who was 9. He left his wife, our mum and his high school sweetheart, they had been together since 15. And his mum and dad… the most wonderful nan and granddad to us.

Just weeks after my dads death my mum tried to commit suicide twice and is only here due to the fact my nan on the off chance popped in to see her.

I guess you could say this tipped me over the edge… I turned into a bit of a recluse, a bit of a psychopath and a manic depressive and very suicidal.
I still to this day, 10 years on, am very manic. My moods can change in an instant and usuall I dont understand why or dont even see it…

To try to explain it… It is like for a moment my body is possessed. I am unaware of my behaviour and sometimes dont believe it has happened when I am told.

I very rarely have suicidal thoughts now… I have to many people to think about to take my own life. For a 26 year old, I have had more death and hurt in my life than I should have, more than most people should have.

I am here to try and help… when I say I understand, I really do, I have been there, I have almost lost my will to live on many occassions.
Below is the poem of how it happened… please read. x

Hollyb 2/19/2011 - 6:46 am

The way it was

9 years ago things seemed good to me,
You had a wife with your children, the way it should be.
We loved you so much,
You were are rock,
But that last Monday at home,
Time seem to stop.
With the telly on, me and mum sat out side,
We started to chat, the usual confide,
A horn from the road, Wesley was here,
Little I knew to come was fear.
I still hear the music you played in my room,
I got up to go,
I was going out soon.
Kissed mum goodbye as I turned to the door,
I made my way across the floor.
I reach for the handle, it turns in my hand
Pull the door open, and there I just stand.
I thought he was asleep on the edge of the bed,
How wrong I was, he was already dead.
I could hear a scream, let loud and free,
Little did I know that scream was from me.
I ran to his side to try cut him loose,
The more that I tried,
The tighter the noose.
Finally free we dragged to the floor,
Im trying to be strong, Im crying no more.
His body so limp, his face so grey,
I knew In my heart, its his final day.
We tried to revive while waiting for the ambulance,
But I could see in mums face, he didn’t have a chance.
A cough from his body gave false sense of hope,
I thought he’d survive, not that he’d choke.
My brother behind me, screaming and crying,
“You can’t fucking leave us, don’t you be dying”.
My sisters upstairs, just children at the time,
They never saw the horror of our dads crime.
The ambulance now there, the neighbours around
Its just like a nightmare, I can’t hear a sound.
We rush to the hospital and hours we wait,
For the sound of the doctor to tell of his fate.
The time had now come, all the family together,
We all held our breath, praying things had got better.
The doctor came in, no more did we wait.
“Im sorry” they say, but it was too late”.
Collapsed to the floor, my heart had just died,
I look at my family, who just cried and cried.
They took us to this room, where is body lay still,
He just looks asleep, this cannot be real.
I lean on his body and cry on his chest,
I wish you knew dad, that you were the best.
Ill never forget you, till the day I die,
Just wish it was easier to not always cry.
We have all grown up now and years have gone past,
But the pain of that night is here to last.
When you look at us now, I hope that you smile,
I wish I could see you just for a while.
To give you a kiss, a hug and my love,
I know you are watching from up above.
For now though my heartache will remain with me,
Until the day you come back and set me free.

By Holly Bryan

Tina Bryan 2/19/2011 - 8:18 am

Pretty much how I remember it. I try not to remember it day to day, else I would convince myself into depression and sadness again.
When it’s quiet and I am alone, sometimes it is the first thing I remember about your dad and that is so sad. We were a happy family. We had more good times than bad and had such a special bond. I wonder why he could not see further than that last day in his life.
He is and will remain the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing at night. The point to his suicide…….there is none. He had no reason to do that. xx

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