why am I still here?

Wow…the last time i logged on here was September.  I never knew I could suppress suicidal thoughts like this for so long, and I don’t know how I managed to do so. 

Things have gotten a little better, and I have gotten a little happier.  But in my case, the good times seem to come and go, and now everything is just plain wrong again.  I don’t know what to say or do or think anymore, but all I know is that everything about me and my life just seems so pathetic now.  My family and TRUE friends are all far away, and I don’t know when I will get to see many of them again.  The people I have to put up with for the time being don’t understand me.  They pretend to want to be my friend and all, but time has shown me that they really don’t care about me.  I don’t think anyone in this world cares about me anymore; those that did are now just too busy to listen to my calls or respond to my facebook wall posts.  I don’t blame them at all; I’m a university student and I know all too well how work and work and work and work can drain away the hours of a person’s life. 

The older and wiser people tell me that university will comprise the most exciting years of my life; I wanted to believe them, especially due to the implication that after I get my degree, life will be work, work, work.   But I feel like my life right now is nothing but work, work, work.  From 6am to 11pm I’m either stuck on my laptop or reading books as part of my homework, with the frequent brisk walk to the library or to class.  I try to make the most out of those 7 precious hours in between just to get some sleep, but the people who live near me love to blast their music and party, and there’s nothing I can do about these thin walls; I get 4 hours of sleep every night if I’m lucky.  I’ve tried time and time again to tell them with whatever patience I have left that I desperately need sleep, but now it’s gotten to the point where they’re complaining that I’m setting too many strict rules for them to follow.  All I want is to be able to sleep. 

I hate this place so much, but long story short, I have no choice but to put up with it for the next three years.  For the past few weeks, I’ve tried so hard to put on a smile, laugh, and think happy thoughts, but I’ve tried so hard for so long that I just cannot take it anymore.  I’ve put in so much effort to cover up the truth that I’m burnt out, upset, tired, pessimistic, and extremely cynical. 

I don’t want to hate anybody at all, I really don’t.  I have so much respect for people who have the ability to remain friendly with everyone no matter what.  I’ve always wanted so badly to be like them, and I’ve tried, but the effort that I’ve put in is just too much for me.  To pretty much everyone here, I am no longer anything except a teddy bear that they can step on, stomp on, jump on.  I’ve tried so hard to make my voice heard, but it’s only a matter of time before I break.  I don’t know what to do anymore. 

And that’s only a fraction of the crap I have to put up with every day, every hour.  I want so badly to let out more steam, but I have to go back to work, like the emotionless robot that I am supposed to be.  I don’t know what to do anymore, I hate waking up every morning now, and life becomes nothing but a nightmare when you don’t know the next time you’ll hear someone say: “I love you” or “I care about you” or “everything will be okay.”  Life is a nightmare when you don’t know when you can really be yourself again without worrying about annoying anyone or vice versa.  I’m not living my life;  I’m not able to live my life.  I’m just existing and breathing as other people carelessly, heartlessly, relentlessly take advantage of me.