I think about death everyday. I count the hours until I can go to bed and escape for another day…. I have been to doing this for about the past 10 years… I tried to OD in July of 2005 but my wife at the time got me to the ER in time… No one told me that Overdosing on sleeping pills and dmx would damage my liver if it was not successful ….30% of my liver is gone… I live each day in pain and fatigue….and with depression on top…. My birthday is in 11 days.. I will be out of town for work and I have decided to get it over with….I told my wife of 12 years in 2005 that I was gay… I told my parents in 2008 ….. They told me that being gay was the worst thing they could imagine… I re-read the email my dad sent me everyday. …the rest of my family said they did not want to expose their kids to my “lifestyle” ….
All I do is travel for work anymore….I have cleaned my house… I have been throwing things away or taking them to goodwill for weeks….I am so isolated that no one at home will even miss me or know I am gone. … My life will look neat and orderly…
I always make myself wait 24 hours to see if I feel better and this time it has been 125 days of I need to just do it. I was on anti-depressants for 5 years until the realized they were damaging my liver too…. have been off them since May…I did not even have any withdraw this time when I went off… Just as depressed on them as I am off them…..
I figure my birthday should be my death day …..my family will no longer have a gay son/brother ….. I will be 43 this year