imagine you’re stuck in a crowd. you don’t know anyone. you don’t no where you are or how to get out and no one wants to help you. Can you image how you would feel? How panicked you would be? Well thats how my life is everyday. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Bad combo huh?
I have my good days and I have my bad days. Today, is you guessed it a bad day. I’ve been getting a few bad days recenty and I just.. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend that I don’t freak out when I have to do something new. I can’t pretend I’m okay with going to new locations. I can’t pretend I’m okay with not knowing anyone. I can’t pretend that I don’t hurt inside everyday. I can’t pretend I’m okay for my partner and family. I can’t keep pretending.Â
My pyschologist says ‘I can’t help you until you help yourself’. Maybe I don’t want to help myself. Maybe I’m so tired from all the pretending that I just can’t do it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m on the end of my rope and I’m so close to be pushed over it’s not funny.   The only thing that hols me back is the guilt I have for knowing if I ‘left’ I’d hurt so many people.
I can’t keep pretending to be the person that I’m not. I can’t keep pretending I have the strength left to fight anymore. I can’t keep doing this anymore.
7 comments
I wish you the courage and strength to go ahead with it and a safe journey may you find a place than this world.
peace
“I can’t keep pretending I have the strength left to fight anymore.”
Some of these lines youve written as tho they were out of my mouth.
i feel sorry for your mouth then 🙁
Dont be sorry hun lets just look forward. what are you planning to do?
I hear ya anxiety is a ***** then to also have depression on top of it is a nightmare! You tried meds they kinda help? How old are you, where you from?
lil j…I hear you and feel most if not everything you expressed on a daily basis. Somehow, someone is holding me together and the urge to eject is very tempting….a lot of people are in a state where they do not experience the ability TO help themselves, so it sounds like your psychologist isn’t being very aware of compassionate of your situation because all you can see is that there’s no way out. Imagine you have so much energy left, and the thing is you’re devoting it to saying I can’t….that’s okay…many people can’t…no need to beat yourself up with things that aren’t happening any more..hard to accept…argh! I know. I encourage you to devote your energy to what you can do and don’t judge it…whatever it is…if all you can do is make a cup of tea in a day…then applaud yourself…it’s the cup half-empty or half-full mentality.
What you can do is shift your focus a bit and your perspective to a place of helping yourself, and be grateful for what you can do. That’s all we can do when we’re overcome with panic and doctors are clueless. This is very familiar territory for me…I do what I can, I curse, I swear, I get angry, and just keep doing what you can. Your own judgment will hurt you more down the road. Fake it til you make it….it’s okay, and you’re okay. You are far stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for and you know this!!!
Cheers!
@rocky90 – the future scares me. the present is killing me and the past haunts me.
@CryingOnTheInside – its hard i won’t deny that. I have a tendency to dwell on the unknown or anything that makes me remotely scared or uncomfortable. I tried medication but I felt it was messing with my body and numbing the fear doesn’t help..i’m still aware of its existance. I’m in my early twenties and I live in the south pacific.
@softsoul – i’ll be perfectly normal one day (i might have a slight anxiety attack if I’ve been forced into a situation I don’t like or made aware of some issue). And in a few hours or a day I won’t have the energy to get out of bed. I’ll just spend the whole day working myself up and crying at how insanely stupid this is. I should be a normal 20 year old, having fun, working and studying yet here I am dealing with this mess. What kills me the most is that I made myself like this. No one else but me.