I recently stumbled onto this site.
I am a little nervous about posting something but hear I go.
My story is way too long and complex to tell.Â On paper I may just sound like a selfish, overly sensitive girl, but that’s not the case.Â I will attempt a slimmed down version of my story.
All my life I have always been a little sad.Â There have always been family issues and even though I would like to think of myself as a strong person, those issues have always bothered me.Â Even now they do after 19 years.
Anyways, I met the love of my life, or atleast I thought,Â about two years ago.Â He took away all my pain and made me feel alive again.Â After I met him, I knew he was my purpose to live for in life.Â Never again would I feel empty and meaningless.Â Everything was going good accept an issue about his parents.Â (My ex boyfriend is mexican and his parents really only know Spanish well.Â I do not know Spanish.) And we both just ignored the problem and hope it would go away.Â Well, I ended up breaking up with him.Â Not because I didn’t care about him, I knew I wanted to be with him.Â But I broke up with him for two reasons: 1) I wanted to show him that the issue with him parents needed to get solved, and 2) because I was doubting if I loved him THAT MUCH to give something up for him (giving up knowing his parents).
And then I messed up.Â Completely fucked up.Â I hooked up with another guy.Â Another guy I had known for awhile but had no serious feelings about.Â Even though me and my boyfriend were broken up, I told him about the hookÂ up because I cared about him.Â He was devastated.Â I can only imagine his pain.Â Thinking back to watching him cry, it makes me feel like the most worthless piece of shit ever to walk the earth.
I hooked up with this other guy for so many of the wrong reasons, none of them being feelings for the guy.Â At the time my best friend was leaving me for college and I WASN’T going away to school which meant another year in the house I hate more than anything.Â And I was stressed about the issue with my ex-boyfriend’s parents and let’s just say, my mind set was “FUCK the world” and I decided to act out.Â Of course, this is NO excuse for my actions, but there is way of thinking behind them.
Anyways, my boyfriend said he still loved me and that we could go back out.Â Well, a few months down the road, he tells me he doesn’t love me as much.Â First, he says he is still upset about what I did.Â And then he says it is because the issue with his parents will never get better.Â
That was 3 months ago.Â
And I am completely heart broken.Â Shattered.Â Smashed to pieces. Every single god damn word that means there is fucking nothing left of me, my heart, and soul.Â I gave everything I had to this man.Â And I care about him so much that I have no meaning in life anymore because he is my life.Â But to make matters worse, IT IS ALL MY FAULT.Â I hurt him, the person I love more than anything in life.Â I caused all of his pain and ultimately, all of my pain.
I have no hope for us.Â I have no hope for anything.
It seems kind of silly killing yourself over a guy, but let me assure you, I have been in other relationships and I always moved on after break-ups.Â This time though, I can’t.Â In my heart, in my mind, I am suppose to be with him because no one makes me feel so fucking comfortable as he does.Â Â But I fucked it up.Â I fucked everthing up.Â And now I am suicidal and plan on killing myself because I am no longer the same person.Â I talk to no one now, no friends, hardly any family.Â I can’t tell anyone about this because people will thinkg I am being crazy or foolish and that’s all bullshit because no one feels what I feel.Â I just want to punish myself through lonliness and eventually die…