All Apologies

Anyone who has ever shown me affection, I’ve let down. I used to believe in living with honour, and that I was living honourably. Now I realize that I’m far more wretched than most.

I have uncontrollable bouts of anger, triggered by seemingly minor incidences. I try so hard to control my responses, but thus far to no avail. My wife will leave me in 6 months if I can’t change. She has such a pure soul, and I’ve let her down.

At our wedding, everyone said that our vows were the most beautiful they’ve ever heard. They were poetic and lofty. I have failed to keep the majority of my vows though I professed that God was my witness as I spoke them. God forgive me for all I’ve done.

I fantasize about jumping off my apartment balcony. We live on the 12th floor so I’m sure that it would be a fool proof method. My only reservation is that I don’t want to leave lasting negative effects on my wife, parents or sister.

Growing up I tried to so hard to be a good kid. It never mattered, and I have turned out to be scum.

I was cursed from the very beginning. When I was 5 years old, my mom chased me around with a butcher knife. It happened again a couple of years later but this time with a watermelon knife. I can still hear my mom hacking away at the bathroom door, and feel the bitter cold of the basement floor against my feet.

I was terrified, and at times I feel as a coward. It is hard to believe that something which happened over 25 years ago still haunts me today. I find it strange and laughable at the same time.

All my life I’ve tried to achieve. To reach that next milestone and objective. All of it was for naught.

There was at a time when I thought of myself as a good person. Those days have long since passed.

I remember contemplating suicide when I was 20. I was standing at the top of an apartment building, high on marijuana with a group of acquaintances. I regret now that I had not made the jump, as it would have saved 10 years of fruitlessness. I had a suicide note ready in my pocket, but I never followed through.

For the past few years, I have had regular thoughts of suicide. Perhaps not on a daily basis, but regular enough such that it has become habitual to my thought patterns.

I really wish I could share my thoughts with my family and friends. I’ve told my wife that I want to jump off the balcony. She usually tells me to jump, as if daring me to prove I have the courage.

Almost every characteristic that is worthy in a human being, I had more of when I was younger. When I was young, all things seemed possible. Now all around me is a sea of impossibilities.

I wish I had not let down my wife like so. She had an angelic spirit, and I am so regretful that I might have broken it.

God forgive me. God forgive me.