I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I have an ideal life. A family that loves me. Grades that will get me into any college. Incredible plans for the summer. Awesome friends. Everything. For some reason, none of it matters to me. I don’t enjoy doing anything. No, that’s a lie. I love being with my friends and I don’t mind school, and everything should be fine, but I get in these moods… These awful moods where nothing matters, whenever I’m alone. I can’t do anything real. I sit up at night, doing nothing. Writing about it, this, now, this is the realest thing I’ve done alone in weeks. I can’t ever get myself back on track, into a routine where I do homework, hang out with friends, anything. Times like these, none of it seems worth the effort. It doesn’t seem worth the waiting at night to see my friends in the morning. I blast the music and slip into a trance, lost. Yesterday, for the first time, I legitimately considered drugs as an escape, but I don’t even care enough to try it. I don’t even fucking know. I don’t understand my thoughts, the few times I can even catch them long enough to see. For years I’ve wondered whether or not I suffer depression. I don’t really care. Either way, I can’t do anything. I don’t know if I’ll do anything dramatic. Death would take effort. It would hurt a lot of people, and I don;t want to be responsible. For anything. My life, my death, whatever. I am so far out on tangents here, so far gone. I don’t know how I ended up on this site. My mind leaves me behind. This music is the only thing that really matters to me right now, because there’s this rhythm. It keeps my heart beating to it, and fuck, I’m getting all poetic. I need to move to this music, I always need to move. I pace constantly, in lines across the room, in circles around the table, I sway, I tap my feet, drum my fingers, nod my head, maybe there’s music somewhere in me, but it died before it reached my ears. Someone tell me I should die. Someone tell me I should die, or live, or do my homework, or play saxophone, or get high, or cut my wrist, or go to the doctor and get diagnosed with some problem that’s just another name for my inability to cope with the things I think that I’m thinking. If I knew everything that went on in my head I would’ve killed myself by now, I have no doubt that it’s not a good place. If I can live through tonight I’ll have a reason to live in the morning, but that will fade and something else will be dead inside me. I wish no one cared. I’m too nice, too considerate to hurt anyone. This week I stopped caring what happens to other people, and to myself. The only concern I have must be out of ritual. I need something, or I need nothing. A beginning or an end, and either way it has to last forever. Someone. Give it up.
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exactly my feelings!! I have a good life but nothing seems to matter everything seems worthless and i cant do anything cause in me im just idle and empty, wish noone cared so i could go ahead already and end it.
Why wish no one cared?I wishpeople cared.your lucky people love you.
I know I am, but it doesn’t matter to me. I feel… If people have souls, mine is damaged. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’ll trade my life with you. It’ll save yours, and I don’t care what happens to mine
You sound like someone who wants to be happy, but doesn’t know how. Everything you said is typical of a person suffering from clinical depression.
Take some advice from someone who has watched their life go down the drain because they didn’t address their issues when there was still time to do so.
Get yourself to a good psychiatrist. Be honest with him/her. Take the medications as prescribed. Go to your follow-up appointments, and continue to be honest with your doctor.
It is the only option you have if you don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life. The problem is with your brain chemistry, and it does not go away unless you take appropriate action.
If you don’t do something about it, trust me.. you are going to feel exactly the same ten and twenty years from now, only you are going to have a lot of very serious problems to deal with. It is very possible that there will be no escape from them at that point.
I don’t have any reason to tell you this except that it is the truth. There are a lot of intelligent young people on this forum that need to make the first responsible decision of their adult lives. Get help now.
I wish you the best of luck.
Mines fucked up.you dont want it.
otherside, I hate the idea of being a slave to some sort of condition, but I hate the idea of being slave to a drug too. I feel like I’d be lying to myself if I was only happy because of a drug
nikki, I don’t care. I don’t deserve what I’ve got
Don’t go to a psychiatrist the latest studies show success rate is less than 20% and side effects are crippling. Your brain will shrink and suicidal tendencies go up.
Go to counselling but stay away from shrinks and drugs.
Try natural remedies, do an allergy test, go see a nutritionist but stay away from psychiatry.
Sounds like you do have depression and i understand your thoughts on being told you have it and having to take meds thats how i feel too but if you wanna feel better maybe talking to someone like you can talk to us here or find someone you can trust or even write things down just to get it out and if your still felling like this and want help maybe go see a doctor or try meds or therapy its heaps common to have depression and yes i know it sucks but it doesnt just go away it usually needs to be treated. And yes i hated being told i had depression and anxiety and getting put on meds but i guess if you need them and they help then whatever just do it
bubble75, sounds like you’re full of sh*t. Do you have any evidence behind what you are saying?
There is no evidence to say “natural remedies” do anything more than the placebo effect.
I know were you are at. Iam feeling the same, I too am so tired of it all. But i don´t really know what that all is. Some weeks I can be so dame normal and then there are those times when I fall into such a dark place and I can´t clim out of it so easily. I just give up on everything and then I am mad about myself for doing that. It is so easy to just disappear into the music. You don´t have to feel anything, only the rythm. And when you dance or just move it is so great, because you doń´t have to think about anything. It is just you and the rythm. You can just be.
@redwine i agree music’s great its one of the things i still love. Maybe every now and then you just slip into depression or could be bi-polar that causes your moods to go up and down alot?
I have been diagnosed with depression, but I don´t want to know if it might be becoming something more serious.
What do you mean? So you’ve seen a doctor are you having therapy or are you on meds?
I went to see a shrink in the summer. And then she diagnosed me with depression. I sea her a few times and I took some meds, but i just didn´t see any point in that. I relised that I can only help myself, nobody else can´t do it. A few months i was good then, but now everything is back. My depression, sadness, loneliness, tiredness, thoughts of hurting myself and the rest.
join the club
Red why you depressed for?
Your right only you can help yourself buts its hard trying to do it on your own sometimes you just need the extra help like therapy and meds and they’re not a quick fix you need to stick with them and you wont see results straight away it’ll take time. If you really dont wanna do that then maybe try make some new friends or find someone to talk to someone you can trust or even right things down that could help you alot of people do that
I don´t know, it is just always been there. I have always felt like i am alone. That nobody cares, that i will be a failure and never succeed. I love my family, but they don´t understand me.
I know that feeling all too well. You can always talk to us we understand and can relate to you. How old are you where you from?
@Angel ash You have no clue what you are talking about, depression can be caused by allergies, vitamin deficiencies, dopamine definciencies, sleep disorders and many other things. The latest on psychiatric medecines is that you are better off without them. Want a few links?
There you go:
http://www.integrativepsychiatry.net/depression.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mark-hyman/depression-medication-why_b_550098.html
http://www.newsweek.com/2010/01/28/the-depressing-news-about-antidepressants.html
Don’t take this shit and try to find out what you might have, like sleep apnea, allergy, dopamine deficiency, nutritional imbalance, vitamin deficiency etc…
I am seventeen, six months until i will be 18, and i am from Estonia.
Oh okay im 23 and from Australia. When you said estonia for some reason i thought of the movie encino man
@bubble75 – I read your comment through the admin tab since it’s awaiting moderation.
The first link is from a company trying to sell their natural remedies. That’s not a source, that is someone with an AGENDA. They want to make money with their products, so of course they are going to try to say “Antidepressants don’t work, buy our product instead!”
The second is much the same. Mark Hyman is a quack. He’s not a real doctor, he’s a guy who again wants to sell his own products and books. He has this thing called “functional medicine” but doesn’t explain what exactly that means – guess you have to buy his book to find out. There are people who have tried to contact him to find out more about his methods but guess what, he doesn’t return their calls, letters or e-mails. Wonder why?
The last is a news article by Sharon Bagley, who has her fair share of controversy and misuse of science.
This isn’t evidence, this is people trying to sell their products or write a good story for their paper. Science is studies in well respected peer reviewed journals. Not “Newsweek”.
Never heard of that one.
Oh havent ya! Never mind 🙂 R u male or female?
Female 😀 you?
Im female too! Look how much bigger the smile is on your comment compared to mine lol!
yeah
Noooo, your smile is bigger than my usual 🙂
Lol thats what i said!
🙂
😀 just a test
lol!
🙂
@ bubble75 & AngelAsh…..I’d say you’re both right….best to not focus on being right but on what works…meds work for some people and natural remedies work for others. Weeding out those with an agenda can be a challenge but I have come across a naturopath who does help people with genuine intention…..I have friends who’s children reacted violently to meds and others where it gave them space from their symptoms. Cheers!
It is so weird that there are so many suffering from deprssion, but it still seems to be something wrong and bad. Something you have to be ashamed of,
I guess theres alot of stigma attached to it and i hate the term “mental ilness” I felt so horrible and embarrased when i went to the doctors but then i though oh well im not the only one it’s very common and i guess theres worse things you could have but dont get me wrong it still sucks i swear its a curse!
And i felt so bad like it was all my fault that it got so bad but i just couldnt control it
yeah it is. I would want to disappear if anyone found out what kind of thoughts are going around my head 24/7.
My family knows some of it but not all of it
my family and friends know nothing about my thoughts, or my life in general. I’m like redwine, I’d want to disappear if they knew.
mine too, but they just don´t get it. Get that why i am depressed. If they knew how much i want to hurt myself, only to feel something else
I once told my best friend about the things in my head, but i never felt that she ever understanded me.
It was too hard to hide it from them they’re always around and now that they know its kinda better cause they understand why i am the way i am so its easier then always having to lie and put on a front but i still dont really like them knowing but oh well like i said they dont know everything
I dont think my family get it either they try to understand but i still think that unless you’ve gone through it or are goin through it you have no idea what its like so they’ll never really know what im goin through
it’s easier for me to conceal my thoughts, as I see very little of my family, my friends I see a little more often but not that much
I dont really have any friends but my family is always around. But im pretty good at faking it and acting like im fine and everythings peachy keen! So they wont worry or ask questions
they just look at you diffrently when they know you are going through something like that. I fake for there own sake, i couldn´t handle them looking like that at me again.
I like that “i fake for their own sake” I think alot of people do
I have only one close friend, but she doesn´t get why i am like i am. Around here i act like i am feeling fine, no worries at all. JUst smile. I hate it. I want to scream, not smile
Sometimes they fake for their own sake, too. I fake until you kind of feel normal, even a little.
Yeah i know the act gets exhausting to always keep up especially when you dont want to nor have the energy too. All you wanna do is cry, scream, have a whinge but you feel like you cant cause of everyone around you. I dont wanna smile or laugh or even get out of bad these days
same here, but I have to, my whole life is ahead of me and if i can´t get through even this, then what is the point of anything. On these days i just want to sleep until it goes away.
@cryin
&red
You both seem fly
hope you feel better
soon
Thanks tobaboo you seem fly too lol! 🙂
It takes time, but you will feel better, i know it. It is just the dark time when you need somebody to tell you will get through it. But the darkness sadly always comes back even worser.
No prob
I don’t hide who I am any more and am in no way ashamed…that comes from other people’s inability to accept what could happen to them…that’s all. I’d encourage anyone to be real with who they are…it isn’t what it was and people may have difficulty, but it’s a chance for them to exercise understanding….there is no guilt nor shame. That is bulsh**.