I’m new to this site. But, I guess I need help sorting this out. I’m hoping it’s easier talking to people I don’t know than the ones I do. At least I can be totally honest with strangers. All anyone else does is make me feel stupid, guilty, ashamed, crazy, anything except like taking another breath.
I feel like I’m in a “Circle of Depression”. I am trying so hard to find a reason to live, but every time I come up with a positive, there is a huge negative following right behind. Hell, I’m scared to even be happy anymore. Cause, whenever the happiness goes or gets ripped away, I’m sadder than ever before. Every time I think I can’t get any lower, well guess what. The next time is even worse.
The reason I’m scared to try the suicide this time is because waking up is hell. Last time, I even saw my mother and grandmother before I came to. I begged them to let me stay with them. But just like in life, I wasn’t wanted. They sent me back to the world of the living. So should I decide to do it again, I have got to find something that will work! , something that isn’t too scary. However, I can probably overcome the fear with alcohol. It’s just that I already live with chronic physical pain, so I just can’t take anymore of that kind of pain either.
What’s really bad is that I have kids. I don’t know which would be worse for them, having a really screwed up mom, or a dead one. It seems like everything I touch turns to shit. Believe me, I want to be normal. I want to want to live. I just don’t know how to, at least not by myself.
5 comments
the second passage u wrote there is right how i feel.
im sorry that u have kids in the way that it constrains you. i wish i somehow could make less impact with my passing but im afraid my relatives will simply have to bear it…
I am thankful that there are decent ppl here who are willing to open up & share. I always have an ear… Actually, I have two, so all the more reason to continue.
I have the same feeling almost exactly!! Like i keep searching for something to make me want to crave the taste of life but i cant find it. The thing is our minds are so blinded with negative thoughts and feels that it essentially paralyzes us. We cant try to focus on any good because our attention is on all the bad. And we can never do anything positive because we’re busy focusing on the negative. And suicide is not the answer trust me attempted several times and lived to wake up again..thankfully. We feel so much pain and emotional discomfort that we can careless about the people around us. You know your death would devestate your kids. You have the potential to be a strong woman. If you want something pretty bad then im sure that you can accomplish it. So happiness is what im sure you desire so reach for it!! I’d personally like to die trying to be happy then die never trying. I’m here if you ever truly want to talk.
Just know you are not alone in how you feel…may not help. Take care.
Yeah, you would think that my death would devastate my kids, but I don’t. Actually, I know they would be sad for a while, but they don’t love me all that much. They’ll be alright.
Their Dad used to cheat on me, beat me senseless, ya da ya da ya da, I could’ve taken them away very easily.But I didn’t want them to grow up w/o a dad, like I did. Well, long story short, him and his family have pretty much brainwashed them into thinking that I was the one who did all the wrong. So yeah my kids do love me, just not all that much. That’s the biggest reason I don’t want to be here any more!
Somebody please help me!!!