I’m new to this site. But, I guess I need help sorting this out. I’m hoping it’s easier talking to people I don’t know than the ones I do. At least I can be totally honest with strangers. All anyone else does is make me feel stupid, guilty, ashamed, crazy, anything except like taking another breath.
I feel like I’m in a “Circle of Depression”. I am trying so hard to find a reason to live, but every time I come up with a positive, there is a huge negative following right behind. Hell, I’m scared to even be happy anymore. Cause, whenever the happiness goes or gets ripped away, I’m sadder than ever before. Every time I think I can’t get any lower, well guess what. The next time is even worse.
The reason I’m scared to try the suicide this time is because waking up is hell. Last time, I even saw my mother and grandmother before I came to. I begged them to let me stay with them. But just like in life, I wasn’t wanted.Â They sent me back to the world of the living. So should I decide to do it again, I have got to find something thatÂ will work! , something that isn’t too scary. However, I can probably overcome the fear with alcohol. It’s just that I already live with chronic physical pain, so I just can’t take anymore of that kind of pain either.
What’s really bad is that I have kids. I don’t know which would be worse for them, having a really screwed up mom, or a dead one. It seems like everything I touch turns to shit. Believe me, I want to be normal. I want to want to live. I just don’t know how to, at least not by myself.