Darkness consuming me

I don’t even know what to say anymore… I’m a 28 year old female from Greece and I’m trying to deal with my life ever since I can remember myself. I was raped by my grandfather when I wasn’t even going to school yet. I suppose that a great amount of my problems was the result of this experience. Sorry, experiences… I can’t really believe that this incident is still hurting me after all those years but I think I just have to admit it is… I have dealt and still dealing with severe depression but no one seems to be able to help me. I have tons of anger that keeps coming out with no serious or obvious reason most of the times. On the other hand I don’t take it out when needed and the result is being consumed all the time by the “monster” of anger growing inside me all these years. As a result I used to pierce myself when I was younger just to feel the pain (I wasn’t familiar with the wrist cutting back then), fucking with anyone possible just to feel loved or at least noticed, later (19) I started cutting my wrists and wanting to commit suicide. I now have a drinking problem. I’m not sure I can’t stay sober, but I don’t want to. I had a series of bad relationships and don’t seem to be able to keep anything healthy in my life. My parents always criticize me because I always was a good student, finished university etc. and now they can’t understand why I can’t get on my feet. Well, I can’t explain myself anymore. I said everything I could but no one seemed able to understand. So now here I am, devastated once more, cutting my wrists, drinking and thinking how I’m going to hang myself. I can’t get off bed everyday, and among others I can’t focus on the play I’m rehearsing for. Sometimes it makes me worse. I’m dealing with Sarah Kane’s 4.48 psychosis if anyone is familiar with it… It’s a rough play… I was ready to hang myself when I run to this site yesterday. I can’t look inside me anymore. Even I am scared with what I see… Anyone that takes a better look at me gets scared and leaves me… Even worse because they couldn’t possibly imagine that a good looking, tall, thin, smart girl could be so black inside… I am fucking black. Sometimes I want to send everyone to fuck themselves but I know I need people in my life. I need to love and be loved. I need to feel alive, existing, creative… Human…