On Moday I posted that I planned to end my life on Friday; I am glad to say that today I changed my mind. Various things contributed to that. Firstly I got an email from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, rejecting all my reasonable suggestion for an amicable and quick resolution of our property settlement. Rejecting them for no other reason than to maximise the hurt he can inflict on me, drag the fight out into all eternity, probably in the hope that he will wear me down. I then realised that I cannot leave him to raise my children, he will ruin them. If I die now, he will be their guardian, because there is nobody else, and how can I let this monster raise my sons???!!! So rage took over from despair.
Secondly I saw my psychiatrist today, and he was incredibly supportive, signing me up for a different program so I can see him for much cheaper in the future, and get more support/group therapy for free, and just hearing me how rock-bottom I was.
Thirdly, after that I met with some friends (as we do every Wednesday), and they had organised for another friend to join us, as it happens the priest who married us, and a former uni-colleague of mine. It was basically an intervention because they sensed that I had hit rock bottom and was about to suicide, and everybody offered help in whatever way they could. The priest is going to talk to my husband, and will try to talk some sense into him. Even if he cannot I can later use him as a witness before court that my husband is totally unreasonable. Also, he will intercede on my behalf with the bishop, to see if they can give me some sort of support, financial or otherwise (before I got depressed I had been studying for three years to become a priest). Another friend is going to come around next week and help me with some big jobs around the house, and another one is offering me a job (even though it’s only small) for cash on hand, to help me with my financial difficulties. This all touched me so much and deeply, I have regained at least some will and some strength to live.
So for those of you who have friends but try and hide their feelings from them, fearing that they will not understand, for me its been the opposite experience, my friends are all I have and they are worth gold. Without them I would have given up long ago. They give me the feedback that I am a good and worthwhile person, and they give me whatever hands-on help they can. Try it!
Next step is to sell all the valuables I have, including my engagement ring, ha ha, so I can pay the bloody lawyer so I can get was is rightfully mine. If all fails, suicide is always available as the last resort. For the moment, I’ll fight on.