For the past 6 years since I was 16, I’ve been depressed. Throughout high school, you wouldn’t think I was though. I looked happy. I should have been an actress. Little did people know that I was hospitalized for trying to kill myself at 16. I use to be one of the popular pretty girls in school and after high school, my depression got really severe. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for the past 3 years but it hasn’t got this bad til the past year or two. Everyday the thoughts get stronger. My feelings seem to amplify.
I don’t see why I’m still here. I’m 22 with nothing to live for. I can’t go back to school because of my depression and social anxiety. Im about to quit my job b/c being around people makes me want to just stab a pencil thru my heart. Every single day gets worse. It never gets any better. When i don’t have work, all i do is sleep or stay at home and marinate in my bed basically. All i do is watch tv or stuff my face with food. I’ll go out from time to time only if im going out to eat or run errands. I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t look the way I used to. If you looked at pictures of me back 4 years ago and now, you wouldn’t think I’m the same person. I’ve let myself go completely.
I’ve tried it all. Counseling, therapy, medication, group therapy. You name it, I did it. Ive tried zoloft, celexa, and prozac. None seemed to help. The only thing ive been taking is my ativan to help with the anxiety and to help me sleep. Sometimes i wish as bad as it sounds that i was in japan when the tsunami/earthquake hit. I hate thinking that way but its not fair that those people had to die when Im over here struggling to kill myself. I would spare my life for someone over there. Not to mention all these people dying with terminal illness especially the kids with cancer or something life threatening. I would trade my life for them in a heartbeat just so they can get a taste of what a real childhood would be like….
I don’t know how much longer I can take. Every night I lay in bed just thinking and plotting ways to kill myself.
Overdosing is out of the question b/c its too slow and painful. Plus the fact that most people who overdose end up living.
Shooting myself would be the best way to go but I don’t have a gun. I know if I had access to one, I would have been gone a long time ago.
Hydrogen sulfide sounds very promising but I’m scared of fucking up the ingredients and ending up with brain damage.
Hanging myself would be the best and most realistic way for me to die. Only problem is I don’t have anywhere to hang myself. It sounds painful if done wrong but I think that I’ll just end up dying from strangulation if my neck doesnt snap.
The only thing now is going about it and finding a place to do it.