For the past 6 years since I was 16, I’ve been depressed. Throughout high school, you wouldn’t think I was though. I looked happy. I should have been an actress. Little did people know that I was hospitalized for trying to kill myself at 16. I use to be one of the popular pretty girls in school and after high school, my depression got really severe. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for the past 3 years but it hasn’t got this bad til the past year or two. Everyday the thoughts get stronger. My feelings seem to amplify.
I don’t see why I’m still here. I’m 22 with nothing to live for. I can’t go back to school because of my depression and social anxiety. Im about to quit my job b/c being around people makes me want to just stab a pencil thru my heart. Every single day gets worse. It never gets any better. When i don’t have work, all i do is sleep or stay at home and marinate in my bed basically. All i do is watch tv or stuff my face with food. I’ll go out from time to time only if im going out to eat or run errands. I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t look the way I used to. If you looked at pictures of me back 4 years ago and now, you wouldn’t think I’m the same person. I’ve let myself go completely.
I’ve tried it all. Counseling, therapy, medication, group therapy. You name it, I did it. Ive tried zoloft, celexa, and prozac. None seemed to help. The only thing ive been taking is my ativan to help with the anxiety and to help me sleep. Sometimes i wish as bad as it sounds that i was in japan when the tsunami/earthquake hit. I hate thinking that way but its not fair that those people had to die when Im over here struggling to kill myself. I would spare my life for someone over there. Not to mention all these people dying with terminal illness especially the kids with cancer or something life threatening. I would trade my life for them in a heartbeat just so they can get a taste of what a real childhood would be like….
I don’t know how much longer I can take. Every night I lay in bed just thinking and plotting ways to kill myself.
Overdosing is out of the question b/c its too slow and painful. Plus the fact that most people who overdose end up living.
Shooting myself would be the best way to go but I don’t have a gun. I know if I had access to one, I would have been gone a long time ago.
Hydrogen sulfide sounds very promising but I’m scared of fucking up the ingredients and ending up with brain damage.
Hanging myself would be the best and most realistic way for me to die. Only problem is I don’t have anywhere to hang myself. It sounds painful if done wrong but I think that I’ll just end up dying from strangulation if my neck doesnt snap.
The only thing now is going about it and finding a place to do it.
9 comments
That’s all me except I was in the hospital at 17! Check your email in a bit.
With hanging more common than noted people actually die from strangulation than snapping the neck.. not to nessecarily cut off breathing but mainly to stop your blood flow. its called partial suspension where you put the rope or whatever you’re using around your neck tight & it restricts the blood flow to your brain from your jugular and arteries.
I done this last year in my wardrobe, i made sure i was completely fucked on vodka first then i stood on a small box but my toes still touched the ground because i didnt wanna snap my neck.. My mum found me though.. most people who die this way have their feet or knees or whatever touching the ground still.
Id do it again but i dont live at home anymore so ive got nowhere to do it
Im not encouraging you to do it, Im 22 years old too. You’re lucky u have meds and treatment. I understand how you feel.
@girl interrupted search for my posts and add me to your msn.
What started all of this, also have you tried sexual release, such as masturbating, that might help releave some tension, or searching for a boyfriend, if you dont already have one. Im just suggesting, but the thing I suggest the most is living. Something made you popular in high school, reconnect with that something that made you so likeable. You just seem to be a victim of bad luck. Everything will be fine if you can just find one thing that makes you happy.
@isanyonethere – umm Id rather not talk about my sexual life with u. U Mae everything sound so easy when its not. It doesn’t matter what happened in my past. It’s what I feel now. U don’t understand. It’s not even bad luck. It’s depression. Nothing makes me happy but stuffing my face with food and sleeping.
People sometimes make it sound so easy, “Just don’t be depressed anymore!” like that will somehow just cure us immediately. As you said, I just don’t WANT to live anymore. Nothing in this world makes me happy.
No one can help u but u
You dont need anything, Fuck the drugs and the counselors
Happiness is state of mind, Life isnt ment to be happy, Life is life
It might get better it will prolly get worse, but why waste your brain and body
At least do something to leave a impact on the earth
Your a brillant person, so is everyone else, For everything ive been through, It comes down to consequences and the butterfly effect, Just look down both paths of life and death and see if u can imagine the impacts u will cause on your life and the time continuum, the afterlife and everything think else of and do what feels right,
I know if u wanted to you u could do what ever u can imagine. exercise+good eating, health checks+ Mental exercise and self-exploration and research
The universe is just Energy and matter, that was created because everything has limits
The universe is just patterns. 0,1
It only gets better if u want it too
@nit3 – Again, yes. Anyone can do anything if they put their minds to it. It doesn’t work that way when u have a mental illness. God I’m tired of people telling me that shit. U think I wouldn’t know any of that shit by now?? It’s not something u can get over or put your mind to. It’s much more than that.