I’ve tried to kill myself more times than I can remember. I just can’t seem to stay on the noose long enough. I accept that it’s part of me now. It always has been. Now I’m starting to really realize what my deal is. I’ve always been the guy on the outside. Oh well, my past seems irrelevant now. Good thing too. My grade school years were so miserable I hardly remember them now.
I keep bullshitting my explanation of myself to everyone, including myself. I know why I’m suicidal, why I’m constantly suicidal. I’m just simply lonely. And I’m too embarrassed to admit it. So I’ll just post on this site. The sad thing is that when I’m gone no one will make this connection. Who I am and who posted this. Anyway, I’ve been so lonely that I changed. I went through 2 years of college without drinking or partying, staying clean and getting a 3.95 GPA in one of the hardest majors. Oh, and I could run a sub-5 min mile (it may not matter to you but it did to me). I had great friends, an amazing family, and faith. Then I had such a rough stretch of suicide attempts and depression. I mean I’ve always been suicidal, but this was much worse. After months of agony I tried to make a change and began drinking and partying with my friends. I thought I had a better chance to finally meet someone. Now I’ve hooked up with 3 different girls, all of whom now don’t answer my texts, and I’m still a virgin. During that time my grades have dropped, I feel my connection with my friends is fading, and my parents seem more disappointed with me. Oh, and this semesters hell for me class wise. I’m gonna get my first C most likely in my hardest class. BTW, I started anti-depressants this past winter, they help, but they can’t change a life.
So, I’m gonna go back. Hopefully I haven’t turned into an alcoholic. Hopefully I can go back to someone I can respect. Not that my respect matters, but I do need to become a better person.
So here’s my deal. There’s a girl I’m friends with in my major. I see her pretty much all week, and I really like her. She’s the cleanest girl you could ever meet, and just as pretty. I’ll try to make a move soon. If it fails, then I’m jumping off a bridge (I got one nearby). I’m sick of my life being so pathetic that I can’t even tell the truth to anyone. I’m scum, and I’m fed up with being a wasteful sack of shit. Can’t say I didn’t try, but it’s just pathetic. I want everyone to forget about me when I’m gone if I don’t fix my life within the next few months. My main regret is that I can’t help someone on the way out. I’ll take a bullet for ya if you need me too.
If I go out, I’ll make a note. I’ll probably post it here. Not to get attention, but just to leave something behind. You won’t know who I am, but maybe you’ll learn a lesson. Don’t be like me.
Someone could have done amazing things with my life. Instead God decided to waste a valuable life on me.