Hello,
I’ve tried to kill myself more times than I can remember. I just can’t seem to stay on the noose long enough. I accept that it’s part of me now. It always has been. Now I’m starting to really realize what my deal is. I’ve always been the guy on the outside. Oh well, my past seems irrelevant now. Good thing too. My grade school years were so miserable I hardly remember them now.
I keep bullshitting my explanation of myself to everyone, including myself. I know why I’m suicidal, why I’m constantly suicidal. I’m just simply lonely. And I’m too embarrassed to admit it. So I’ll just post on this site. The sad thing is that when I’m gone no one will make this connection. Who I am and who posted this. Anyway, I’ve been so lonely that I changed. I went through 2 years of college without drinking or partying, staying clean and getting a 3.95 GPA in one of the hardest majors. Oh, and I could run a sub-5 min mile (it may not matter to you but it did to me). I had great friends, an amazing family, and faith. Then I had such a rough stretch of suicide attempts and depression. I mean I’ve always been suicidal, but this was much worse. After months of agony I tried to make a change and began drinking and partying with my friends. I thought I had a better chance to finally meet someone. Now I’ve hooked up with 3 different girls, all of whom now don’t answer my texts, and I’m still a virgin. During that time my grades have dropped, I feel my connection with my friends is fading, and my parents seem more disappointed with me. Oh, and this semesters hell for me class wise. I’m gonna get my first C most likely in my hardest class. BTW, I started anti-depressants this past winter, they help, but they can’t change a life.
So, I’m gonna go back. Hopefully I haven’t turned into an alcoholic. Hopefully I can go back to someone I can respect. Not that my respect matters, but I do need to become a better person.
So here’s my deal. There’s a girl I’m friends with in my major. I see her pretty much all week, and I really like her. She’s the cleanest girl you could ever meet, and just as pretty. I’ll try to make a move soon. If it fails, then I’m jumping off a bridge (I got one nearby). I’m sick of my life being so pathetic that I can’t even tell the truth to anyone. I’m scum, and I’m fed up with being a wasteful sack of shit. Can’t say I didn’t try, but it’s just pathetic. I want everyone to forget about me when I’m gone if I don’t fix my life within the next few months. My main regret is that I can’t help someone on the way out. I’ll take a bullet for ya if you need me too.
If I go out, I’ll make a note. I’ll probably post it here. Not to get attention, but just to leave something behind. You won’t know who I am, but maybe you’ll learn a lesson. Don’t be like me.
Someone could have done amazing things with my life. Instead God decided to waste a valuable life on me.
2 comments
Actually you sound like someone normal with normal problems, you’ve managed to hook up, so you got game, and you are smart. I’ve been shot down when I asked guys out, I’m female apparently guys dont like it when girls ask them out, so how am I supposed to do it again? might as well stick a knife in my heart.
anyway good luck.
@ StomperAG : you have to realize that YOU are the one who has the power to make or destroy your life in any way you’d like. you can’t just sit there and say ‘ oh God is wasting a valuable life on me’ And I agree with ‘not-good-enough’, your problems sound normal. Why do you want to have a relationship with that girl. If you like somebody from inside, it doesn’t mean that you have to get into a relationship with her. Why can’t you stay friends with her, since she’s a good person as you describe, you want people like her to be friends with you. Just hang out with her, get to know her more and spend time with her, that’ll definitely make you happy. And also: if you think that your’e really in love with her, don’t make a move unless she showed you that she’s in love with you too and you’re sure about it, cause you don’t want to put your friendship at risk. I think a good friendship is more worthy than a relationship. Also 1 thing: you have to be proud to be a virgin. Being a virgin means that you have so much selfrespect so that you don’t want to just give you away to somebody and you’d rather do it with someone who truly loves you. You can be a very handsome sexy guy and still virgin. People throw away their virginity like it’s walking down the street, they don’t realize that if you give it away, it’s a piece of your soul, you’ll always remember that moment so you’d better remember it in a positive way than a negative. This society puts so much pressure aspecially on men, to have sex and as much as possible. That’s so wrong, try to think on your own and have a lot more self-respect than that. I’ll tell you this: the most attractive guy I know is a vergin, cause he’s got so much selfrespect to wait for the right girl.
Try to reconnect with members of your family to have strong band again with them. Being depressed makes you push away people and that’s the last thing you need in this period. Try to work on that and things will get better you’ll see.