I’ve been sexually assaulted by my father and had an abortion when I was 12 because I was pregnant with his child. I couldnt tell my mother because that would ruin her life and I already knew mine was over. In 2009 I went to paris with my friend and while using one of the public showers a man entered my stall, smashed my head against the tap (where my hair as so that no one could see the wounds) and rapped me repeatedly then left me bleeding on the floor. I begged my parents to bring me home but never told them why. I had a std test done in the paris hospital and luckily did not have anything. I managed to convince my parents to let me come home, mainly so I could see my boyfriend whom I am in love with. I had not told him about my past and when I arrived home I didn’t tell him anything except that I was home sick. Things got really hard in the weeks fallowing my return home. I began cutting regularily and would sleep most of the day and drink too much at nights. One night my boyfriend knew there was something more going on and he stared questioning me. After a few hours I finally broke down and spilled what had happened in paris. I was so grateful to have him there, he was the only one in the world who I could tell and who would hold me close in his arms until I stopped crying. I continued to date him and everything began to get better. I felt happy and right before my 18th birthday I new I had found perfection, but I also knew it wouldn’t last. That night I drank alot of beer and a bottle of vodka and then took about 200 pain killers. I was rushed to hospital and had to spend a weak at sunny brook psychiatric facility. My boyfriend visited everyday and would hold me in his arms til he had to go. I thought that maybe perfection could last. But two days after I was released he cheated on me. He only made out with the girl, but it hurt so much I wanted to die right there. He and my mom held me down until I calmed myself but I just spent the entire night staring at myself in the mirror, wondering why he had done it. Wondering how someone could hurt me so much after everything that I had been through and that I had done for him (I stayed home to go to school instead of going to the place I really wanted so that he could go to his dream school). For weeks after I felt numb. I just didnt want to do anything, see anyone or anything, but we did not break up. Eventually it passed and we began to be happy again. I am engaged to him now and we are supposed to get married may 28th of this year. I can no longer trust him though, but he ruined trust in general for me because i will never trust anyone. I love him with all of my heart even if he hurt me, but it hurts everyday knowing he did that to me. I seem to be loosing control and I feel sad always even when I dont appear to. I constantly contemplate death, what should I do?
13 comments
well all i can think of is two things is talk to ppl that know ur pain
( i have been cheat on ones but i really didnt care cuz i knew it wouldnt last so i guess i really dont know ur pain that area)
or talk to a therapist.
I’ve talked to therapists, been in hospitals, done everything I could do to try and stop it or distract myself, but I cant. I just always hurt. I drink alot and get high in an attempt to numb it, but its only a temporary fix, I need to stop feeling this way, it makes me physically sick to my stomach
have u talk to him about it your bf
and i dont wanna be preachy but have u gone to god (if your not in too that than sorry)
i’m not religious and yes I have talked to him, but the problem has been caused, theres no taking it back..
well have you forgiven him
i dont know. I tell him I have but it still hurts me when I think of it and I never trust him alone with other girls now, I dont think its possible to. But I love him so much that without him I would die, I have to be with him
well honslty all i can think is try and ask go for help.
sorry i am really sleepy so if i quit talking u know y
but it wouldn’t hurt to try something new
yeah…
You should try to trust him. If he is truely sorry and cares for you, he will never hurt you again. He will never want to put you through that pain again. Try to move past it. If you were in his shoes, wouldn’t you want to be trusted? I know what he did hurt, but would you rather be hurt or rather love him with all the love you have for him.
sorry if i am not much help
I know how you feel i was molested as a kid and raped several times and cheated on a few times to, I NEVER LEARNED how to trust anyone again . Always in the back of my mind i expect them to be doing something behind my back..Maybe if he really understands how you feel and works on proving to you he can be trusted with time you will gain your trust back. I hope it works out well for you b/c it is making my life suck
Ok I know from experience that dealing with things like rape can be extremely difficult ive been molested and just that alone is hard. Everyone in this world is selfish in some way. I’m sure that being with someone who is depressed and so on can be difficult to deal with. Maybe thats why he did it. Just to get away from all the depressive stuff. It was def not right of him to do that. I know personally that forgiving someone who has hurt you is extremely hard. And i don’t think you have forgiven him. And you need to be strong i know its hard but love yourself life has been rough for you. But by the looks of it your one tough cookie and i know that you can do it on your own. In my opinion if you dont trust someone then it will never last love or not you simply don’t trust him i would say not to get married. Maybe take it back a few steps talk to him let him know how you feel and how you constantly think about what he did. He needs to earn your trust again before you can move forward. And you need to stop torturing yourself constantly with the thought of what he did. The solution is simple you can try to see if he can earn his trust and if you can forgive and trust him again as well as stop torturing yourself with the thought. And if that can’t be done then just move on because trust is everything. Hope i was of some help.
If thinking about the memory of what he did, hurts you, then you don’t forgive him. If you can’t trust him, then it won’t work out in the long run. If you really do truly love him, and not just because he’s the one who is there and are with right now, then you need to find that inner peace with yourself, to test him again. To never to be bother by that memory. I do envy you greatly though, for being able to keep someone in your life for that long….. I hope you can find that peace, to keep him in your life..