I’ve been sexually assaulted by my father and had an abortion when I was 12 because I was pregnant with his child. I couldnt tell my mother because that would ruin her life and I already knew mine was over. In 2009 I went to paris with my friend and while using one of the public showers a man entered my stall, smashed my head against the tap (where my hair as so that no one could see the wounds) and rapped me repeatedly then left me bleeding on the floor. I begged my parents to bring me home but never told them why. I had a std test done in the paris hospital and luckily did not have anything. I managed to convince my parents to let me come home, mainly so I could see my boyfriend whom I am in love with. I had not told him about my past and when I arrived home I didn’t tell him anything except that I was home sick. Things got really hard in the weeks fallowing my return home. I began cutting regularily and would sleep most of the day and drink too much at nights. One night my boyfriend knew there was something more going on and he stared questioning me. After a few hours I finally broke down and spilled what had happened in paris. I was so grateful to have him there, he was the only one in the world who I could tell and who would hold me close in his arms until I stopped crying. I continued to date him and everything began to get better. I felt happy and right before my 18th birthday I new I had found perfection, but I also knew it wouldn’t last. That night I drank alot of beer and a bottle of vodka and then took about 200 pain killers. I was rushed to hospital and had to spend a weak at sunny brook psychiatric facility. My boyfriend visited everyday and would hold me in his arms til he had to go. I thought that maybe perfection could last. But two days after I was released he cheated on me. He only made out with the girl, but it hurt so much I wanted to die right there. He and my mom held me down until I calmed myself but I just spent the entire night staring at myself in the mirror, wondering why he had done it. Wondering how someone could hurt me so much after everything that I had been through and that I had done for him (I stayed home to go to school instead of going to the place I really wanted so that he could go to his dream school). For weeks after I felt numb. I just didnt want to do anything, see anyone or anything, but we did not break up. Eventually it passed and we began to be happy again. I am engaged to him now and we are supposed to get married may 28th of this year. I can no longer trust him though, but he ruined trust in general for me because i will never trust anyone. I love him with all of my heart even if he hurt me, but it hurts everyday knowing he did that to me. I seem to be loosing control and I feel sad always even when I dont appear to. I constantly contemplate death, what should I do?