emotional breakdown

Making mistakes is bound to happen to everyone. No one is perfect and no will live a beautiful life. This past weekend was suppose to be a fun and stress free weekend for me and without a doubt it was up until the time I got home. That Saturday night I went my friends house to attend a random party, didn’t know the person but if I am with friends I can care less as most people would do. We all packed in a suv to head over for this party. I took advantage of having the liberty to drink so I did, little did I know I began to drink a bit heavily and the next thing I knew I was being dropped off to my car and I had to drive back to my friends house where I was suppose to stay the night. I dropped him off but I had a hard time turning off the car. I was still drunk so I was trying to turn off the car with the wrong lever. The key was underneath that lever I was trying to pull. For some reason I began to drive, still knowing I was not in the best condition to drive but I did it anyway. As I was headed to the freeway I noticed my phone was missing. So I drove back to my friends house, on the way there I greeted by west covina’s finest. Been asked if I was drinking, my response “no”. also been asked if I was carrying anything he should be aware of my response yes (honest truth). Thankfully, he did not ask to step out of the vehicle. I knew once asked that mr. sobriety test would be involved, I would have failed. Officer told me to becareful of the speeding in these wet conditions and let me go. I arrived at my friends house and asked if he saw my phone, he was still drunk also that he didn’t know and once again for some reason I drove home in the rain. I came home and woke up my mom and stepdad, trying to find my phone with the office phone. They were angered for the immediate wake up. I went to sleep and woke up still in the search of the phone, texting friends using my mothers phone. At the time I woke up my mom she turned on the light asking if I have been drinking my response “no”. She left to the att store figuring out ways to turn my service back on. She came home once again asking if I was drinking my response was still “no”, asking another time and the same answer given. Then she read a text saying where my phone was placed and what my actions were in drinking sense that was. She was angered by my lie, which is what I expected her to be, but her reaction became worst and as if I was brought into the local jail. Her words were she cant trust me for anything, if this happens again I would be kicked out and never to be trusted again. Her own flesh and blood would be vanished from her life. My guess she was looking for a reason to get me out and out of her life. Knowing her own daughter the princess that she is would never do anything and does not resemble a man she once called her husband as I do. Mad at me for drinking and driving and possible killing someone would end my life and I would be in jail knowing my mother would remove a son from her life for good and only caring for her daughter the flight attendant. Ive always had an odd relationship with my mom, for some reason I got that feeling that she never loved, she sure as hell shows that she doesn’t but reactions show she does in giving me money and a roof over my head. Yes I do appreciate but I still have my feeling that you do not love me. You say you are there for me whenever, you support anything I do. This may be a small thing to worry about but its something, football was my thing in high school, I loved it played it, had a great time with it. Not once did my busy mother take time to come see a single game. My father did attend mostly all games even though he lived in a trailer like home on a commercial lot across the street from a running railroad system making ends meat to support himself. If I had the chance I would live with him, I knew his money making can barely support himself so I cut his costs to worry about himself by living with the women who idolized her one daughter and not caring a soul for me. The relationship in the past with my mother has been good up until this weekend. When she found out the truth about my actions with alcohol and driving she brought out someone who I finally have been looking for, her honest true self, the honest evil mother that she is toward me. I knew all my life that deep down that soft spoken sweet exterior there was a certain hate for me and that person finally came out. When she explained that she didn’t want drunks in the house due to my fathers past, I can understand that, my dad put her through a rough emotional life and I wouldn’t do that to her. I may not like the choices my dad makes but at least deep down he has kindness and love to both me and my sister and that is why I have more love for the man. I will now have contemplate my life in order. The actions I do will affect my future, being pulled over and regretting not staying over my friends house that night shows me that I need to be more responsible of my actions. The only thing is now that these sad and hurtful words my mother showed me has me rethinking my life on this planet earth. After being not trusted by her own blood will begin to have her own flesh and blood on her hands. By now if you the reader have not figured it out, my thoughts are leaning toward the ending of my own life. She has put me through a very high emotional level that’s breaking the point of no return. I have never seen myself being the kind of person that would have these thoughts but I see the emotions of my mother and I would like to do her a favor and do something I know she is wanting, the end of seeing a resemblance of a man that has put her through hell. I remember one talking to my dad about how my mother treats me and he sees it too, moments later I got a call of a crying woman that woman was my mother. Apparently a gang member tried to steal money from her company, when asked to call the cops on his attempt that person cried my mother to let him go or his leader gang members will end his life, this gang member was my age. She called me and told me that story and thanking me for being a good person and not living that lifestyle, just no I love you. I was although happy to hear her say thank you for being that person. It was honestly the closest thing to saying I love you which made me happy at the moment. Now I think to myself after what she told me this past weekend, will ending my life give her care towards me? If I end my life I would then like to see her reaction seeing a body on the floor of her home that she gave birth to deceased in a pool of his own blood. If that were to happen will she regret saying these things to me, will she go to my father and thanking him for raising a good son because last time I checked I was not committing crimes or being rebellious. What will her actions be after the death of me?