Sometimes I feel lost. I am a college student suffering from schizoaffective disorder with bipolar features. I hearÂ and see things that aren’t really there. I still hold a grip on reality, though sometimes very loose. My disorder has kept me out of college for aÂ year and a half. I watch my friends accelerate with their livesÂ and I’m stuck. I lostÂ quite a few friends whenÂ my disorder started to manifest. I tried to reach out to themÂ but they abondoned me and cast me aside. I only have a few friends that stuck with me. I feel so alone. It’s hard for people to understand my illness. Over the year I’ve become more misanthropic. I hate humantiy so much. It isÂ easy to hold contempt for humanity in a world where the mentally ill are shunnedÂ andÂ ostracised by society. Sometimes I think I’m the antichrist. I feel I must end humanity, but this is just another delusion from my illness. My doctor has put me on 5 different pillsÂ that I take twice a day. With allÂ the medicineÂ I take I should be great, but I still feel depressed and sometimes suicidal. I attempted suicide in highschool by trying to overdose on my perscribed medicine. I sometimes think that god hates me. Why me? Why do I have to suffer? Why can’t someoneÂ with no ambition in life have this illness instead of me?Â I’ve prayed to god for him to take this burden away from me. When I was in highschool it wasÂ just the bipolar issusesÂ with very few hallucinations, and between my junior year in highschool and my freshman year in college I felt great. I thinkÂ god gave me aÂ taste of happiness so he could take it away.Â In the beginning part of my sophmore year I hit a wall. In highschool I learned techniques from my therapist to control my depression, but when everything got bad again the techniques didn’t work.I use to be good at controlling my thoughts and depression.Â I have been struggling with this disease for a year and a half and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I stay in my apartment and not leave for days because I am afraid to leave. I don’t know what I am afraid of. Some nights I entertainÂ the thought of suicide. I just want peace. I want everything to stop. I feel defeated by life. I wish I could find someone with theÂ same problems I’m dealing with so I could relate to someone. I’m afraid of dating because I’m afraid of telling someone that I have a mental illness. People from my area don’t really believe in mental ilness. By the way I am from Mississippi. I used to cut myself for relief. My mother saw my arms one day and freaked out. Now I fill containers with ice and water and soak my hands in it until I can’t take the pain. The pain helps relieve my problems. I feel so alone. I really just want to find someone with the same problems I have.