Sometimes I feel lost. I am a college student suffering from schizoaffective disorder with bipolar features. I hear and see things that aren’t really there. I still hold a grip on reality, though sometimes very loose. My disorder has kept me out of college for a year and a half. I watch my friends accelerate with their lives and I’m stuck. I lost quite a few friends when my disorder started to manifest. I tried to reach out to them but they abondoned me and cast me aside. I only have a few friends that stuck with me. I feel so alone. It’s hard for people to understand my illness. Over the year I’ve become more misanthropic. I hate humantiy so much. It is easy to hold contempt for humanity in a world where the mentally ill are shunned and ostracised by society. Sometimes I think I’m the antichrist. I feel I must end humanity, but this is just another delusion from my illness. My doctor has put me on 5 different pills that I take twice a day. With all the medicine I take I should be great, but I still feel depressed and sometimes suicidal. I attempted suicide in highschool by trying to overdose on my perscribed medicine. I sometimes think that god hates me. Why me? Why do I have to suffer? Why can’t someone with no ambition in life have this illness instead of me? I’ve prayed to god for him to take this burden away from me. When I was in highschool it was just the bipolar issuses with very few hallucinations, and between my junior year in highschool and my freshman year in college I felt great. I think god gave me a taste of happiness so he could take it away. In the beginning part of my sophmore year I hit a wall. In highschool I learned techniques from my therapist to control my depression, but when everything got bad again the techniques didn’t work.I use to be good at controlling my thoughts and depression. I have been struggling with this disease for a year and a half and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I stay in my apartment and not leave for days because I am afraid to leave. I don’t know what I am afraid of. Some nights I entertain the thought of suicide. I just want peace. I want everything to stop. I feel defeated by life. I wish I could find someone with the same problems I’m dealing with so I could relate to someone. I’m afraid of dating because I’m afraid of telling someone that I have a mental illness. People from my area don’t really believe in mental ilness. By the way I am from Mississippi. I used to cut myself for relief. My mother saw my arms one day and freaked out. Now I fill containers with ice and water and soak my hands in it until I can’t take the pain. The pain helps relieve my problems. I feel so alone. I really just want to find someone with the same problems I have.
5 comments
Well i am Gay and i am struggleing with the internal pressure of coming out, i do not know what to do, my Familly might disown me.
If they do then i will hang myself, job done, i will give the boy i love the time of his life, basiclly i will shang him in the boys toilets if he wants FUCK WHAT MY COLLEGE SAYS ABOUT NO CONTACT.
i’m sorry to hear you are suffering so much….
you want to be in a relationship but are scared they won’t accept you? pff if they don’t accept you then they are just jealous of how great you are… if i could i’d give ya a big hug to let you know i truely care. 🙂
i don’t have the problems you do…except i’m depressed and i cut, but i still do that…i do hear Voices, but those who i’ve told in rl didn’t believe me.
well…if you want to talk, i’m here 🙂 i’m always willing to care.
Maeliin you seem naive
naive?
If you have got worse it’s probably the meds.
Do some good research on psychiatric meds and alternatives, take control of your life and look up an alternative psychiatrist.
The meds fucked me up so I gradually quit and am getting better.
Once you start on that shit your illness gets worse and if you don’t come off it slowly you will become psychotic.
Spend a few months reading books about alternative psychiatry and how the meds themselves make you sick.
Suicide is common with psychiatric meds don’t become a statistic just so that big ****** can make a buck out of you.