I have decided on March 16th as the day to end it all, 20 days from my 20th birthday. I will use either the helium hood method or my 12 gauge shotgun. leaning towards the shotgun. I refuse to go with the majority and write a note, but at the same time, I want someone to know, so I posted it here. Bye all, wish you all the best
78 comments
Please don’t.
Now I’ve read this, I feel guilty for not trying to help.
<3
Know what
who are you?
Just that I was going to die, I suppose. I posted here once or twice, but they were rather long.
That’s why i missed your post.
Who are you keep it short want to talk?
short answer? A fuck up. And I’ll talk, always nice to have a conversation
Im not a fuck up but Im fuck up
so why you a fuck up?
I like the symmetry of it. Pretty.
But it’d be a crying shame to miss your 20th, surely.
And anyway, what makes you such a fuck up?
it’s a long list, but in short, life is going no where and I have hurt a lot of people.
Why do you want to do it?
What you do. What’s your job.
who you hurt?
Sorry, you must have posted while I was typing.
Well, I am basically a dropout protecting lazy people from starvation (pizza delivery joke, sorry) and I hurt those closest to me, people I don’t know, everyone, really. Sometimes I don’t mean to, and other times, I want to.
Everyone makes mistakes in life, especially teenagers. Everyone you hurt has hurt somebody else at some point in their life. If you really did something wrong you could offer them a sincere apology. People are forgiving and I’m sure that no one wants to see you take your life.
I see.
You make them sad the way you’re sad.
But I’m already sad, so you can’t hurt me.
= friends? (-:
honestly, I’m not talking about an emotional hurt (except the few gf’s I’ve had) I’m talking more physical. I nearly killed a man who stopped me from commiting suicide. In addition, I tend to keep to myself recently, I really don’t have anyone who would give a damn
What does 20 excuses stand for ?
Im curious …
That’s a shit job
fined a better one
you hurt people close to you who
why? they pissed you off
How old are you?
It’s hard to see this point until you get older, but at the age of 19 or 20, you have lost very little time relative to how long you will naturally live. All opportunities in life are still open to you, and the time you’ve spent working is valuable experience and not “a waste”.
At your age you can still do anything you want. Seriously.
going on the comments in response to this original post, i would guesstimate that someone gives a damn. i give a damn. i’ll be really mad if you do it. really really mad.
20, and I hurt the people close to me because I either cannot fathom thier feelings or yes, because they piss me off, and sometimes because it’s a release
I cut as well, but that’s more for punishment
@otherside, I understand, but the fact I will minimally live another 5 decades isn’t something I particularly look forward to, even before depression I was planning on a short life.
You like sport?
yes, I am an avid outdoorsman, I hunt, fish, rockclimb, hike, SCUBA, skydive, and also play rugby
Maybe your just bored
chance you job?
I use to find great relief from pain in verbally abusing others , even in a polite tone of voice , I use to find very easy ways to hurt people deeply , special those I care for the most , never helped me get through my days , never does ,but it sure was a great relief of stress , till finding out that words will stick forever if meant to hurt , special when you do not care at the moment that you speak the words.
Please think again about using a fire arm , specially a shotgun as you mentioned above , please not with that thing.
I used to skydive and I loved it. Being an instructor or a pilot would be a very cool job.
I change jobs every year or so, I was a whitewater guide for a while, but it was too seasonal. I cannot afford to be out of a job at the moment, I’m in a lot of debt to colleges
Ok then be a pizza boy
i like pizza boys they bring food to my door
that’s the plan. at least until the 16th.
Suck’s
what sucks? death? it’s a natural part of life.
haha ya
i thought it was funny
it made me laugh
sorry i shouldnt have said a word
why not? I enjoy a good joke as much as the next guy (if not more)
20 your not goin to be a pizza hut bike for ever ok
but your got kick your self not end your self.
You could look at it this way.. If you go back to school, then you don’t have to repay the loans until you finish or quit again. Now that you know that delivering pizza isn’t something you want to do forever, you will probably take school more seriously and do a lot better.
Why not try? You can kill yourself at any time if it doesn’t work out, but once you’re gone, there will be no more choices.
I’ll admit it is the “easy way out” so to speak, in that it requires more willpower than actual work, but I’m actually content with my job, just not my life. I have an amazing ability to fuck up every situation.
@ otherside, that’s kinda what I’m hoping for, no more choices, I’m not a strong man, nor a particularly driven one. and the money I owe the schools is not loans ( I paid for the two years with my life savings) it’s more property damage
Get over it.
every morning i wake up and it’s so disappointing because i didn’t intend to be here still.
fact is, i am. and so are you. and it’s all really shit.
there’s no denying all that, but is there no tiny segment of you that wants to wait a little longer? see what happens?
I like the tough love approach, it’s not common in talks with a depressed person. I understand this may seem like a silly idea to you, but to me my life is not worth living, which is all that really matters.
20 Excuses , you scare me , you put in words what I feel , and I have been postponing my own suicide for quite a few days , or weeks…
It really makes it hard when the “easy door” its right there , and the worthlessness of our own life , the dullness of our minds in order to not evolve in the quality of our thoughts , to maybe even improve an inch.
Just like you , I also do not consider myself a strong person , but somehow the properties of that quality or seem obscure to me. (As I think suicidal people are incredibly strong minded)
Its hard to see so many of us , actually isolated , united only by poetic posts of bitter sadness.
I enjoy reading your words 20 excuses.
thank you, you’re very eloquent writer. and I find it a little cheering, honestly, that I finally have people who understand me.
@ clyde, I have little in the way of curiousity, I don’t look to the future as some might, not out of fear, but out of contempt. I don’t hate other’s futures, just mine.
i don’t find it silly. i do find it a little lazy. you know, opting out.
the “easy route”
but i’m a hypocrite, so that’s that.
oh, furthermore: the fact that you can think in the future is exciting. i’m still remembering how, so i am a little jealous.
at any rate, contempt is better than nonchalance.
You always had people who understand you , I was just a little late and just started posting today , so pardon my timing.
Its good to have someone like you to talk to , I also feel isolated and mostly the only people who I would even consider getting to know , would be something close to what you appear to be by your posts.
Other people will just get the “grinning machine” (so nicely put by Miss Clyde).
I know what you mean clyde, and I can see how it can seem the easy way out, and sometimes it is, but it depends on the person and the situation. planning it takes a lot of work, and following through even more work and willpower, which I suppose you can say can be put into “making it right” however, if the quality of life is so low you’ll waste most of your life making it worth living, then is it not a merciful way out?
@ DysteR8, I agree, people here genuinely understand our situations, and they honestly care about them. Why else would we try to talk a complete stranger out of a suicide?
You cannot have wasted it if now your life is worth living. It would be wasted if you yet felt it wasnt necessary to still be alive.
Theres no weakness , and no suicidal person is a loser , it takes a lot of heart and planning , we all know that , theres no point in enforcing it.
Making it right can only be truly felt by you 20 excuses , I dunno what is on your mind , or what your true reason is , theres no way I can judge the worhtyness of your quality of life.
And if you want mercy , please forget about the shotgun , please.
I think your last comment is what makes this all so charming. Here we all are, standing on our own ledges, talking eachother down. Isn’t that lovely?
And for the record, I honestly understand. It’s most certainly not easy, and the pain of it is substantial, but preferable to the pain of living. I am definitely on your team! It just seems such a waste. You are too worthwhile.
I talk to you because I relate to you , I can some how make your pain mine , for I have been and am going through basically the same thing.
Theres no point , its not worth it.
Every morning upon waking up the words come to my mind “the why the fuck for ???” Not only on waking up , when cooking for myself , or even going to sleep , it actually blocks you from even being a person.
@ clyde, it is rather charming. and thank you for both your support and encouragement. About the shotgun, I would prefer it to be messy. I have hurt and continue to hurt a great many people, and would prefer a nasty ending to a nasty person.
@ DysteR8, I understand, I can barely roll out of bed in the morning, even to go to work. It just seems pointless, that’s not to say I will not eventually find purpose, however at this point I niether deserve nor desire it.
You would be getting a nasty ending , but someone else would have to clean it up , most likely someone who cares a great deal for you , I considered using a gun too , but not knowing how me head would end up I passed that one long ago.
I think you deserve all the happiness in the world , plus a puppy dog , but hey , thats just me , I want a puppy 2 .
Maybe we should take the Doug StanHope way out … Its more apopriate and we might even get to know each other better .
Be best suicidal buds of all time.
I’ve got a german shepherd at the moment, and as to someone close to me, well, I’m estranged from my family (we haven’t spoken in 2 years) and have 1 friend who is currently in afghanistan.
If you go , what happens to your dog ?
Oh yes , you now have a friend in Brazil too.
My dog? she’ll go back to my cousin, who gave her to me as a puppy due to financial reasons. and you now have a friend in Florida 🙂
Is Florida in Mexico ??? Just kidding…
No , I mean , you will go , and the dog will stay with you for a few days , how will people locate you and how will your dog be fine while you are , lets say , uncounscious.
We should definitely have a MIRC channel for this website.
Better then talking through message boards.
I think all I needed was a dog , unconditional love from a little stinky friend , lost my last dog tragically and never got another one back … Gotta get me a doggie , and hope he is suicidal too.
we’re actually considered North Cuba. and I have already arranged my cousin to pick her up on the 14th, because I’m going out of town. I’m sorry about your dog 🙁 maybe adopt from a shelter? that’s how I got my yellow lab. (who died a couple months ago, at the age of 17)
17 ??? Almost as old as my half basset half stray dog , think she died at the age of 15.
So then youre closer to Brasil than I thought.
Im thinking of getting a big dog , but I must have enough money to provide for both me and the dog , and probalby he wouldnt let me eat.
I like big dogs , but now I live in a small house , he would destroy everything as I am always thing of a Saint Bernard of making a sheep dog get really really fat.
Is it a female dog you have ?
yes, she’s a female black and brown long haired shepherd. scared of everything including her toys. as to the Florida, it’s in the USofA, but we have a large cuban population (great food and culture) and are only a couple hundred miles north of it, so it’s the running joke here. (there’s a more vulgar one involving mickey mouse) and I live in a single bedroom apartment, and she’s fine as long as I run her 6 miles a day
6 Miles ? My smoking wouldnt allow that , maybe my dog will have to smoke too , so her walk is smaller. (Can you say smaller about a walk ?)
I was joking about “Where Florida Was”. I am half brasilian , half italian , half american , half swedish .(Dont ask me how , prolly a big orgy of some sort) I have an uncle , irish-american uncle from New York , he live just behind my house on the next street and teaches english around here , as so do I when I can.
English is basically my first languaje , but I do not writte or speak it as good as I understand it.
I am completely americanized and the only joke I hear from Mickey Mouse comes from my great inpiration George Carlin.
Fuck my mouse in the asshole with a big rubber dick. (He was tired of hearing about Mickeys BDay every year , since hes a fictional friggin mouse).
But hey , tell me the dirty mickey mouse joke.
😀
basically it’s that we live in Mickey’s asscrack, not really a joke so much a as a semi-humorous way to express out disgust at being seen as only “where Disney is”. And as to you’re writing, it’s very good, I was originally surprised when you said Brazil. Meow I understand
Hmmm we should create a Patch Adams kinda of topic here , so you people can teach me about death expressions.
Remember the terminally ill guy on the movie ?
I do have little monkeys that come from time to time to steal the fruits on my back yard , they re fun.
Killed a few trying to teach them how to clean and use the stove , poor little fellas , but cute as hell.
I’m afraid I know next to nothing about movies, the last movie I saw was “The Lion King” but if you want quotes I’m full of them
I would like to learn a bunch of death expressions .
We say in portuguese something like “eating grass from the roots”
“six feet under”
“grabbing the wooden jacket”
Give me more of your USA thingie things. (Death Expressions)
The Lion King ??? WTF ?
haha, we don’t have monkeys here, unless you count the eight year olds who enjoy flinging feces ( I hope dog) at peoples doors. Can’t kill them though, or teach them to try and clean the stove 🙁
we have 6 feet under as well, as well as kicked the bucket, assume room temperature, to croak, to count worms, to meet one’s maker, to push daisies, to take a dirt nap, and to take a last bow, there’s more, but I forget them
assume room temperature !!! LOL !!!
what does “to croak” mean ?
do you have “to hug jesus a little earlier” ?
no, not that one, and to croak is to die, I guess out of an assumption frogs give one last croak before they die, idk where it’s from, really.
Tell me more of the death expressions , “do you in”
I know is from your mobsters right ?
Get Wacked , wacking.
yeah, mobster wise we have wacked, do you in, swimming with the fishies, to breather one’s last, etc
you know what im 15 my godmother died from cancer along with my bestfriend. the person im in love with is dying of cancer too. my brother and sister both commited sucide, and im 15. its been rough but please god please 20 excuses i pray fo you. that you dont do it. the person your going to marry is walking ths earth right now that should give you hope and people love you and this website honestly disgusts me i only have an account so that i can share my story and hope it can save young lives like yours. my brother and my sister…neither of them left suicide notes THEY WERE MY BESTFRIENDDS. please understand people care. and at least leve a not people you love desrve that much.