I always have thoughts and very amplified tendencies to take my own life.
On the 14th of March, I ODed in school during class at around 11.40am. (I left class mid-way and went to the study area, where there were students studying but nobody really noticed what I was doing.) When I first started with the pills, I was rather apprehensive. Nonetheless, each pill made me more daring and soon enough, I felt like the consequences didn’t matter or scare me anymore. I popped the pills down one-by-one on an empty stomach, until a friend (who was rushing to another class) walked by coincidentally and stopped me.
Tears flowed down my cheeks but I didn’t weep/whine. I calmly told her that I had taken about 16 or 18 pills (lost count) and that she had stopped me from taking the rest of the pills in the box. I think she was a bit in shock and a bit helpless, which was why she didn’t know how to react and what to do. I told her to go for the class she was rushing for, but she didn’t want to. So we met up with another friend headed for lunch instead. All this time I kept tearing but I said nothing – and neither did my helpless friends.
After an hour, my friend eventually decided to tell the school staff, who called the ambulance, and the rest is pretty much history. Ambulance came, police came, rushed to the hospital to get the pills pumped out (it was quite an awful experience – the pain and discomfort etc) and was warded for 3 days.
In the 3 days of being in hospital, family and friends who knew came to visit – but no one asked about it. No one said sorry (except my mom) and no one was realistic about it. I felt like they were in denial – perhaps even guilty to bring it up again.
And then I lived on my miserable zombie life, plagued with responsibilities (I’m a scholar in my university, a civil servant to be with a contract for 4 years already, the president of the university’s dance club, and my professors do know me.) For now I’m alive because my sense of duty towards all these people that I am responsible for and responsible to is too great. The irony is, I can never see my family and friends as people I am responsible for and accountable to – so much so that I cannot see myself living for them.
So, I tried to die – but the experience only made me wonder if I truly am going to do it again. I’m back to square one.
8 comments
Hey lynette…what’s going on that you want to split. You’re a scholar but you have this going on in your head…do you want help? I’m gathering you’re in your early 20’s….could chat if you want. Family don’t know how to deal with this kind of thing…it’s hard. Been there. Take care.
What a tragic story. It’s an empty thing when said over digital pixels, but I just want you to know that I’ve heard you.
My heart breaks for you, truly. I too am trying to deal with the biggest loss of my life, which is overwhelming my ability to cope. I don’t know why other people can be so cruel, but I think a lot of it is that we are the “collateral damage” to huge problems in their own life. that doesn’t excuse their actions, but maybe it helps reduce our self-loathing.
Please don’t give up.
If you find peace in death, let none of us stop you. If you haven’t taken the chance to open your eyes and look around, you should. You may find peace with something else.
@softsoul: Do you remember me? Before this I was on this forum helping people rethink their decisions and telling them that death might not be an end and could land you in a worse place. The people I used to talk to a lot here aren’t posting already – except for you, life sucks thin u die.. and I don’t think there’s anyone else. What happened to R? What happened to Biscuit of Death (that guy I always offended unintentionally)? What happened to Journey?
@Anna: Thank you.
@52nblu: I don’t know if I suffer from self-loathe – never really aware of how I feel towards myself. But really, why does your heart break for me? Is this a moral obligation that we are all tuned to? I don’t know. What does empathy really mean? (Sorry, I know it sounds offensive and cynical. I assure you it is not directed at you. I am really seeking truth.)
@Dave_N: What am I living for?
@Lexsym: I will never know if I can find peace in death because nobody knows what happens after you end your earthly life. And, I think, nobody can ever know.
@lynette0 … I saw your comment when I decided to check out all your posts. On the off chance that softsoul won’t see this.
Um, I don’t know who R is… there is someone whose real name I know starts with a R but Idk if that’s who you mean.
Biscuit of Death is planning on coming out to his parents on Fri (the 25)
if that goes poorly he is planning to suicide. 🙁
And I’m still here… things have just been greating worse and I don’t seem to have words to express what I’m feeling.
Having said that, I’ll try to say this without sounding lame…
I’m sorry for all the pain you’re going through.
And that there isn’t more support for those with depression and suicidal
ideations in your country.
I wish there were something I could do to help.
I’m pulling for you. I really hope things work out for you.
I wish there were something I could do to help.
Please, know that we’re here for you!
*getting