March 15th, 2011by contemplative

I have thought about my chosen method for a while now. I have treatment resistant depression, and have done for the last 4 years. Recently, I have moved on from the classic, if slightly idle, suicidal ideation and into “how can I come up with a foolproof, no chance of finding/’rescuing’ method?” I have tried hanging twice, and both times I hauled myself up the rope to end the pain, so hanging isn’t really an option for my third and final attempt. My criteria are:
1) No chance of survival if I choose to go through with it,
2) Very little chance of anyone finding me during my attempt,
3) My family don’t have to find the body,
4) Easily available materials, given that guns aren’t really an option for me in the UK.
So here goes: despite having no access to firearms (UK), I have access to a rowing boat on the coast. I have decided that, when it’s time, I will have a few drinks and/or benzos, maybe some opiates (to try to dull the pain involved), and row out to sea, (fishing gear with me to make it look non-worrisome to anyone involved) at 2-4am. I know that drowning can be fairly traumatic, and the urge to survive kicks in when your “executive” brain functions are in no position to argue (i.e. to persuade you that suicide is what you really want). With this in mind, I will take with me: 1 60lb metal weight; 1 pair of ‘proper’ handcuffs. I will row out at least a half mile, make sure the water is deep, handcuff my ankle to the weight, and  slip over the side. I can’t see any potential problems, but I don’t want to live as a vegetable, or have to row back to shore, because it didn’t work.

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