i had no idea i carried so much anger and guilt that followed my 3 attempts, but i’m learning that it’s something i need to get rid of now before it takes me down. i think 7 years is enough time to forgive myself after my attempts and consider myself worthy of life again. anger at myself for being a silent victim and not seek help when it was available. now 13 years deep into my depression i’m coming to grips with the fact that i’m depressed, but it’s not as much of a death sentence as i felt it was 7 years ago.
when you notice you don’t give a fuck anymore and the littlest thing has you hell bent on self destruction, and are actively entertaining suicidal fantasies is when you absolutely need to distract yourself and think of someone, anyone you can trust enough to talk with and tell them what’s going on and be real with, it’s worth it even if it’s just you venting for a minute. if you suffer alone and let your thoughts go in circles and cascade down on you that’s when things get out of control and you lose perspective and get suicidal tunnel vision. parents don’t expose kids/teens to mental illness topics or how to deal with the whole range of emotions they could encounter in life, and that’s shitty that we have to be guarded. but i know i’d want to die if my parents schooled me on all the nasty awful shit in life if i was way young.
try to find something to live for, to fight for. something to keep you grounded and sane and in control. you might not win this struggle without a few scars, but you certainly don’t have to surrender. don’t back yourself into that corner where you’re left with what you think is your only option, you won’t win. i certainly didn’t.