So I was really not thinking straight last semester. I partied way too much, had the time of my life admittedly but now I am in no worse place. I did not think about money much atall and then it all hit me just over Christmas along with some other stressful circumstances. I began worrying way to much and thinking I couldnt cope and could see no way out. I got myself ridiculously worked up about things that look tiny now and ended up just not being able to do much atall. I phoned my mum most days explaining how I couldnt cope and didnt know what to do anymore. Looking back at it now it seems silly but I really couldnt. She began to worry and insisted she come and bring me home. Im a 2nd year fine art student so got to decide to go in when i wanted to. At this time everytime I went in I just had no motivation or inspiration atall. This led on to me not going into uni, thinking it would just pass. I also had a job at our union….and just everything started getting too much. Even just daily living. Worrying about spending money on food etc. Little things that I look back on now and know I should have just dealt with. It sounds pathetic now I look back to it, but it happend and now I cant do anything. We went on a class trip which was overly expensive and knowing I had no money for this but had already paid before I realised all this just made me regret it so much. It was the worst trip ever and it made me realise how i’d changed over time – I had become less confident and just down in myself generally. I had developed into a confident outgoing person, organising lots of different things around the uni and speaking to pretty much anyone. I loved what I become and the stress and worry so much over some little things had developed on to some major depression and completely sent me backwards. Every little thing just became overwhelming and not being able to get on with people the same as I used to got me even more down. I came to the conclusion that I was not going to be able to have any hapiness atall anymore and this along with the worrys of money, not being able to do work and lots of other things just sent me down. Everything was overwhelming me and I just stopped and thought I could not cope with anything. At this point I finally accepted for my mum to come and get me as I just wasnt coping. I knew though if I went home back to Liverpool (from Dundee) I wouldnt want to return and that would cause real problems with Uni. However I had no option. I wasnt coping. So now I’m home and have still not been able to face things. Things have not been the same with my family or friends as I’ve just been going on about how I cant face stuff. My mum got me to go see the GP. He advised exercise and blocking out thoughts – dont understand how you can just block out thoughts. This didnt help. Im now on anti depressants and they seem to be having an affect but I cant change back time. I have screwed everything up. All my life I have worked to get to Uni and I was doing well. I then had to waist it all. I have waisted my whole life in a matter of 2 months. I made such amazing friends and Its never going to be the same now. I have loans, overdrafts, a flat to pay for – and no income. I know I’m never going to be happy again now. I came back home to sort my head out but its been the problems that have caused all this and the problems have just got worse now. All I have been thinking about is a way out. Its all that comforts me. I see people laughing and smiling and I hate myself because I know I was like that and I could have fixed things back then. But now its all too late. I’ve gone too far into this pit. I just want to sleep forever and not wake up. The only thing that gives me comfort is thinking its all going to end soon. Thinking of anything else just makes me panic and feel sick. I understand theres so many people worse off. Thats something else I hate. Ive become so selfish. I hate it. Ive been home for nearly 4 weeks and all ive done is think and think of solutions. Now these antidepreessants seem to be helping a bit I keep thinking I can go back but I cant now…..its too late – I wont be able to catch up on work. I’ve ruined everything. Theres too much to deal with in life. I dont know what to do atall. I should have just got a grip back then but now I cant. Now all I want to do is escape because things have gone that far. All ive done for weeks and weeks is lie and think, getting worked up. Losing all my confidence and self. I’m not the same person I used to be and I hate that. I can’t justify myself because I am pathetic but I just dont want to go on. I know life is not worth living anymore – I will never have a family and kids and I will just grow up being alone with no money and being this self pitying person I have suddenly become with no friends and no life. I dont know anymore. I dont even make sense. I look back and think how did I do those things. I cant pick myself up, psychologically and physically. Im just a mess now. I just want to end it all. I could go on forever. I have always been a moaner but this is beyond that. If only I could open my brain up and show people what was happening. Even then things couldnt be fixed. I go through these weird stages of thinking everythings fine. I think it may be these antidepressants….but I dont like it. Its not real. Life doesnt seem real anymore.