I know that nobody here knows me, and you don’t need to in order to get something from what I’m writing here, I will however give a brief summary of the larger points in my life and why I’m so unstable.
I was born premature, weighing 2 pounds 3 ounces to my parents who live in New Jersey. I was born with nerve damage in both eyes with the right being worse. I have an astigmatism and nystagmus (unbalanced optical muscles which causes your pupils to shake). My doctor said it’s a miracle I can even see, but I only find it to be a curse as now I’m stuck between being capable and helpless. My whole life has been a struggle. To learn, to grow, to share connections, all because of my eyes. I can’t drive, I can’t see very far, people laugh and stare and it hurts. I also have a mentally disabled sister named Stephanie, who has too many problems for me to write here, so use your imaginations.
When I was 13 my parents got divorced. I saw my father less and less till eventually he fled the state to avoid DWI charges that were placed against him. My mother fell into depression and soon I found myself taking care of my sister while she went to drink at bars till 3am. I was 14 at the time, taking care of a disabled little girl, locked in a dark house with access to drugs and alcohol, so you can probably see where I’m heading with this. Every day since I was 14 for 964 days straight I found myself smoking weed up to 5 times a day. Little by little I began to slip and failed classes, and neglected my poor sister. The same year, all 3 of my cats that I had since I was born died, and my first girlfriend who I was with for a year and a half walked out on me because of what I was doing and who I had become. And from there things just kept getting worse.
Eventually things began to thin out and my teenage hormones eased up a little and mom got a job and went back to college and I didn’t have to take care of my sister so much. I continued to use drugs and alcohol as an escape regardless of my situation. Like most I was in and out of relationships till I was 20, My drug use continued but declined when I was 19 and when I turned 20, everything changed, and this is where my suicidal thoughts began.
On April 2nd of 2010 I met a girl named Kathleen on a dating website. We talked for awhile and eventually we met up at a pizza place not far from my house. We had alot of fun together, I can’t remember when I smiled so much in my life. We went on a couple dates, I took her to my favorite places, introduced her to my friends and family. I’d never felt any connection like this with anybody I’d ever met. I loved her and she loved me. Time passed and things got bad with her family. So I scraped up whatever money I had saved and we moved to an apartment in Jersey City who an old friend’s parents owned and rented. I’d never lived with a girlfriend before, It was the greatest feeling in the world waking up to the girl I loved, getting to hold her when I was scared or sad, the unconditional comfort that you feel when you have that special person with you. I can’t even describe it. We worked for rent but eventually that deal went sour and we quickly ran out of money and had to move back to separate houses. Needless to say this was heartbreaking. We continued to be together and see eachother and I slowly started to notice changes in her behavior. Time passed and eventually I asked her to marry me, she accepted, and I couldn’t have been happier.Â However she started acting different, and started lying alot, which I didnt want to believe at the time, so I just kept the pace and pushed forward thinking maybe she was just nervous and needed the thought to settle. I was wrong
The day of our 10 month anniversary I got multiple text messages saying that she was with another guy, I called her and texted her all day and got no reply, I remember being hysterical when I went online and saw a picture her friend had posted of her in the arms of another guy, smiling. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my life. And after she continued to ignore me, I got fed up and ended it. For 2 weeks she was with him, and for 2 weeks I had a hole in my heart. Every day I cried, I didn’t do any of my college work, I didn’t eat or sleep, I remember texting her asking if this is what she really wanted and if she cheated on me, and her response was 2 days, and yes this is what I want, he makes me happy, leave me alone… There was no warning, no signal, just one day shes there and the next she was gone. I made mistakes, I know that, I fucked up big, but everyone makes mistakes, and I would have spent the rest of my life doing the right thing and making her as happy as I could.
Eventually they broke up and she contacted me, It was a shaky conversation but we decided to meet up the next day to talk. We did and spent the day laying on my bed holding eachother watching the tv shows we always used to watch together. I thought everything would be okay, but the next day I called her and she tells me she doesn’t love me and wants to be single, yes, a day later, after she stared me in the eyes and said she loved me and wouldn’t leave again. I was at work at the time, all I remember is looking around me and I couldn’t hear anything really, colors didn’t exist, everything was dull and I felt nothing but misery. That night I went home and cut myself for the very first time, not deep, but enough to give a good sting to distract me from the gaping black hole in my heart. I ended up going insane and I told her I was going to kill myself, soon after her mom restricted my number and I was left alone, bleeding and staring at a bottle of pills and NyQuil.
I didn’t do anything and she contacted me again saying she was sorry and wanted to see me again, cautiously I accepted and again we made up and spent a nice day together. We spent the next two weeks together, going out, seeing friends, having dinner, we even got to sleep together for a night again (long story). Everything was great, I had the love of my life back, and I thought it was for good….but I was wrong again. The entire time she lied to my face, and I found out she had been hanging out with her ex at a drug addicts house. Again the next day she refused to answer me, so I called her friend once again crying, she told me what I already knew and like an asshole I told her I wanted to die. Several days before this I got mercury poisoning which I was given dangerous medicine for as the normal stuff didnt work. I asked my girl to come take care of me as nobody was home, and her response was along the lines ofÂ “I can’t, i’m too busy hanging out with my drug addict friends” and hung up the phone without even an I love you. Again, I broke down, harder than the last time knowing she’d been lying for so long, and yet I still felt so connected to her, because I really do love her.Â The next day we met up, I met her ex and he apologized to me or whatever and we all hung out for awhile and after she drove me home and promised I’d see her the next day and on Sunday when we were supposed to see my father and pick my sister up. The same night (last night) I called to see if she was okay, she acted weird and once AGAIN pulled the same bullshit that she didn’t wanna deal with me right now because she was with friends, and of course, I lost it. I called back later and she told me she wanted to be single, and that she cheated on me again the night before because her friend said I was with her when I hadnt even talked to her at all. I spent the rest of the night drinking with my friends.
I was in a drunk driving accident. My friends say I hit my head but I don’t remember, I didn’t become fully conscious again till I was at my house, at which point I called my fiance or ex fiance or whatever and told her, she seemed like she cared, but who really knows. Once again she hung up on me and I cried myself to sleep again, Waking up I had a text from her asking if I was okay. Again I called and all she did was play mind games saying she loved me and wants to be together and a minute later she doesnt know, and says shes coming to see me, but then she cant cuz she has a date, and just lie after lie after lie. She claims she coming around 5, but I really doubt it will happen. Why would she bother when she has her “friends” who care so much about her which is crap cuz none of them ever drive and use her for her car and for sex. It’s fucked up, and I can’t stop crying, all I want to do is end this.
Everyone says that it’s okay you’ll get through this, but how do you know? I’ve been lied to so many times now I don’t even know right from wrong. I was given a false sense of hope and love and then had it jerked out of me as fast as it came back. And if this is what life is really about and if this is how people really are. Then why would I ever want to stay in a place like this?
As of now I sit here alone and scared, completely unsure of everything. All because of lies.