I know that nobody here knows me, and you don’t need to in order to get something from what I’m writing here, I will however give a brief summary of the larger points in my life and why I’m so unstable.
I was born premature, weighing 2 pounds 3 ounces to my parents who live in New Jersey. I was born with nerve damage in both eyes with the right being worse. I have an astigmatism and nystagmus (unbalanced optical muscles which causes your pupils to shake). My doctor said it’s a miracle I can even see, but I only find it to be a curse as now I’m stuck between being capable and helpless. My whole life has been a struggle. To learn, to grow, to share connections, all because of my eyes. I can’t drive, I can’t see very far, people laugh and stare and it hurts. I also have a mentally disabled sister named Stephanie, who has too many problems for me to write here, so use your imaginations.
When I was 13 my parents got divorced. I saw my father less and less till eventually he fled the state to avoid DWI charges that were placed against him. My mother fell into depression and soon I found myself taking care of my sister while she went to drink at bars till 3am. I was 14 at the time, taking care of a disabled little girl, locked in a dark house with access to drugs and alcohol, so you can probably see where I’m heading with this. Every day since I was 14 for 964 days straight I found myself smoking weed up to 5 times a day. Little by little I began to slip and failed classes, and neglected my poor sister. The same year, all 3 of my cats that I had since I was born died, and my first girlfriend who I was with for a year and a half walked out on me because of what I was doing and who I had become. And from there things just kept getting worse.
Eventually things began to thin out and my teenage hormones eased up a little and mom got a job and went back to college and I didn’t have to take care of my sister so much. I continued to use drugs and alcohol as an escape regardless of my situation. Like most I was in and out of relationships till I was 20, My drug use continued but declined when I was 19 and when I turned 20, everything changed, and this is where my suicidal thoughts began.
On April 2nd of 2010 I met a girl named Kathleen on a dating website. We talked for awhile and eventually we met up at a pizza place not far from my house. We had alot of fun together, I can’t remember when I smiled so much in my life. We went on a couple dates, I took her to my favorite places, introduced her to my friends and family. I’d never felt any connection like this with anybody I’d ever met. I loved her and she loved me. Time passed and things got bad with her family. So I scraped up whatever money I had saved and we moved to an apartment in Jersey City who an old friend’s parents owned and rented. I’d never lived with a girlfriend before, It was the greatest feeling in the world waking up to the girl I loved, getting to hold her when I was scared or sad, the unconditional comfort that you feel when you have that special person with you. I can’t even describe it. We worked for rent but eventually that deal went sour and we quickly ran out of money and had to move back to separate houses. Needless to say this was heartbreaking. We continued to be together and see eachother and I slowly started to notice changes in her behavior. Time passed and eventually I asked her to marry me, she accepted, and I couldn’t have been happier. However she started acting different, and started lying alot, which I didnt want to believe at the time, so I just kept the pace and pushed forward thinking maybe she was just nervous and needed the thought to settle. I was wrong
The day of our 10 month anniversary I got multiple text messages saying that she was with another guy, I called her and texted her all day and got no reply, I remember being hysterical when I went online and saw a picture her friend had posted of her in the arms of another guy, smiling. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my life. And after she continued to ignore me, I got fed up and ended it. For 2 weeks she was with him, and for 2 weeks I had a hole in my heart. Every day I cried, I didn’t do any of my college work, I didn’t eat or sleep, I remember texting her asking if this is what she really wanted and if she cheated on me, and her response was 2 days, and yes this is what I want, he makes me happy, leave me alone… There was no warning, no signal, just one day shes there and the next she was gone. I made mistakes, I know that, I fucked up big, but everyone makes mistakes, and I would have spent the rest of my life doing the right thing and making her as happy as I could.
Eventually they broke up and she contacted me, It was a shaky conversation but we decided to meet up the next day to talk. We did and spent the day laying on my bed holding eachother watching the tv shows we always used to watch together. I thought everything would be okay, but the next day I called her and she tells me she doesn’t love me and wants to be single, yes, a day later, after she stared me in the eyes and said she loved me and wouldn’t leave again. I was at work at the time, all I remember is looking around me and I couldn’t hear anything really, colors didn’t exist, everything was dull and I felt nothing but misery. That night I went home and cut myself for the very first time, not deep, but enough to give a good sting to distract me from the gaping black hole in my heart. I ended up going insane and I told her I was going to kill myself, soon after her mom restricted my number and I was left alone, bleeding and staring at a bottle of pills and NyQuil.
I didn’t do anything and she contacted me again saying she was sorry and wanted to see me again, cautiously I accepted and again we made up and spent a nice day together. We spent the next two weeks together, going out, seeing friends, having dinner, we even got to sleep together for a night again (long story). Everything was great, I had the love of my life back, and I thought it was for good….but I was wrong again. The entire time she lied to my face, and I found out she had been hanging out with her ex at a drug addicts house. Again the next day she refused to answer me, so I called her friend once again crying, she told me what I already knew and like an asshole I told her I wanted to die. Several days before this I got mercury poisoning which I was given dangerous medicine for as the normal stuff didnt work. I asked my girl to come take care of me as nobody was home, and her response was along the lines of “I can’t, i’m too busy hanging out with my drug addict friends” and hung up the phone without even an I love you. Again, I broke down, harder than the last time knowing she’d been lying for so long, and yet I still felt so connected to her, because I really do love her. The next day we met up, I met her ex and he apologized to me or whatever and we all hung out for awhile and after she drove me home and promised I’d see her the next day and on Sunday when we were supposed to see my father and pick my sister up. The same night (last night) I called to see if she was okay, she acted weird and once AGAIN pulled the same bullshit that she didn’t wanna deal with me right now because she was with friends, and of course, I lost it. I called back later and she told me she wanted to be single, and that she cheated on me again the night before because her friend said I was with her when I hadnt even talked to her at all. I spent the rest of the night drinking with my friends.
I was in a drunk driving accident. My friends say I hit my head but I don’t remember, I didn’t become fully conscious again till I was at my house, at which point I called my fiance or ex fiance or whatever and told her, she seemed like she cared, but who really knows. Once again she hung up on me and I cried myself to sleep again, Waking up I had a text from her asking if I was okay. Again I called and all she did was play mind games saying she loved me and wants to be together and a minute later she doesnt know, and says shes coming to see me, but then she cant cuz she has a date, and just lie after lie after lie. She claims she coming around 5, but I really doubt it will happen. Why would she bother when she has her “friends” who care so much about her which is crap cuz none of them ever drive and use her for her car and for sex. It’s fucked up, and I can’t stop crying, all I want to do is end this.
Everyone says that it’s okay you’ll get through this, but how do you know? I’ve been lied to so many times now I don’t even know right from wrong. I was given a false sense of hope and love and then had it jerked out of me as fast as it came back. And if this is what life is really about and if this is how people really are. Then why would I ever want to stay in a place like this?
As of now I sit here alone and scared, completely unsure of everything. All because of lies.
7 comments
):> i’m sorry you were hurt so much… i’m sorry lies caused you so much misery… i can somewhat relate to how you feel because lies hurt me alot too, and i’ve had somewhat similar experience…but not completely alike… if i can help at all please tell me how… i want to b here 4 u…
I have a very similar story. Knowing the world is filled with filth and garbage is okay , you just have to be able to avoid the shit storm , you have been in love , or perhaps loving , someone who appears to me not to be loving you back , you must pull yourself together and realize that the love of your life will eventually appear , your wounds will be cured and you now know what could happen out of this.
The true love of our lives will bring and immense amount of happiness instead of grief , at least thats what I expect from that one person.
No Grief , only happy , watching tv in bed , thats what we all want.
Im here to talk if you need someone.
I’m very sorry about your experience. I think we’ve all had them, or will have them. I’ve been hurt several times myself, sometimes by the same woman like you have.
You sound like you are way too good for this girl, from what you say. I get the feeling you think there is no other woman for you but her, and she knows you feel that way. She will always take advantage of you, until she grows up, if that happens.
I hope you realize she is using you and will continue. It’s up to you to stop seeing and talking with her. Wow there’s so many wonderful women out there, there are wonderful ones in this blog alone. Who won’t use you.
I do think you will get over it, from the things you have said. Your friends are right, but of course it is up to you. Just remember there are so many other people out there who are caring and honest; they really are out there. I hope you will be OK.
I am going to keept it short
1. She is a mentally perturbed person.
2. You have a tremendous emotional unbalance and you are destroying yourself by your inability to control your own life and by a complete absence of will. You are like an stranded ship at the merci of her gales and waves.
3. You must follow this. First of all. Obliterate that persons presence from your life, you dont call her, you dont answer her phones, you are not going to see her, you need urgent detoxication from her.
4. You are going to be focused on you for the first time of your life instead of putting yourself at the mercy of your needs in the form of another person.
5. You are going to take constructive and positive decisions in your life.
Do not touch drugs, let alone things to harm yourself. You need to get a nice haircut, a proper shower and start your life from scratch focused on what makes you stronger.
It’s normal behaviour actually.
Take some time out and when you talk to her next just tell her to make her mind up or leave you alone.
Then look for someone else.
You are young and her behaviour is normal actually or common I should say.
Try and chill, you have had girlfriends which means you will have more in the future.
I survived similar by finding little things out I loved.
She didn’t loved the Version of a Relationship the content already been knewn. It is as if playing Pokémon on a GBA or NDS, even when you played it like 3 Times, to play it again months later – it’s lacking and you got to push yourself through.
On the other Side, modifications of exactly the same Game are a Bummer. But she’ll not believe, not accept. There is that Cartridge of a Set of Games that’s worth a Fortune of 20k $ and it’s the diversity without ever changing the Cartridge. Megaman 2/4 get boring at some time even with 9+Some stages and 9 different Megaman as it is.
You will either had been perceived as one Cartridge, as if changing a Cartridge, but the other is maybe more into Instruments with Keys.
It is hard to be diversified enough to be what a person wants. I had to many Partner and never made it sink into us.
I think you had the Imagination of Love, Marriage very Static. Have you anything to tell about the Meaning, Contents and Purposes of all those beyond of what you believe about Love? I started recently and it heals my Wounds as it did after 2011 for me after 2 years and now again after additional 5 years. I even sense the Love of that Time again but differently as if the Person never got beyond my Life. I swear, believe that Person is alive.
So, when she later on told you to Love you, it must be exactly as she ever meant but without her as your Partner. Arguable that this is a Cheat to herself and to you, but it isn’t when you both knew what that Love that far is. Not how it was along you, with you, thinking of you, not a Fantasy about a Future, a Past. Rather Timeless. Like, a Concept of Love between you and it’s Influence to anything that Time bought.
Drugs won’t be anymore a bad thing to her. It will probably not even please her but it gives sanity to be able to be trusting enough to take them with others. It can go so way wrong but that won’t stop the decision to take Drugs.
So, rechoicing to take now them for you won’t be a Game changer, a Bummer.
Drugs are a Lifestyle, but I won’t get into.
And about your Suicide. It will thing up the simple Prejudices. I did the same to that Love of 2011. Didn’t changed a Thing either. But I got not yet the advanced Prejudices about Suicide. There are still some books about I left unread.