I had a friend I knew mostly online. Â We’d flirted back and forth because we both had a psychosexual-erotic interest in death and suicide. Â We had also agreed to stop at times so that we would not trigger each other. Â In the end we were very good to each other, and encouraged each other to stay alive, while talking very frankly about our fixations.
She had never been off the online service that she was on for more than 3-4 days. Â On March 6, I talked to her. Â We had talked before about her killing herself with morphine (MS-Contin) which she was able to get sometimes. Â She said she had been thinking about taking eight morphine and I questioned that was enough (we’d talked about it a long time before and worked out the dose and how much it would cost her to buy it). Â I’d forgotten and I confirmed that was nearly twice the lethal dose.
We talked technically some about how she would do it. Â I suggested that she take them with alcohol, not all at once but about two at a time 5-10 minutes apart, so that her stomach didn’t throw them all back up at once. Â She thought it would take her about 45 minutes to become unconscious. Â She was a hardened drug user so…they would not take her out immediately.
I asked if she had them, and she said she didn’t. Â I told her she shouldn’t try to get them, and she promised that she would not try to kill herself unless she ran out of money. Â We talked about a few other things, and I was satisfied she was back in a fairly casual if depressed frame of mind. Â Then she said there was some online drama and she had to go.
She has never logged on again. Â Given the time factor, I assume she’d wanted to check the plans we talked about before for how she was going to die, and had the morphine with her, and was being casual to try not to trigger me, or make me feel bad. Â She said I was a good friend when I told her I was probably bad for talking with her about methods and said it was good just to have someone be honest with her.
I don’t feel particularly bad about it, though I do wonder if part of the reason I talked to her is that I’m sadistic and was getting off on the power of giving her advice on how to die. Â I actually wonder that about a lot of people who post here. Â It is very odd to think of her being gone.
I had the idea she might have come to this site, so…if by any chance you’re reading this emm, and recognize it…I hope you feel better. Â But I doubt that. Â It makes reasonable sense that she’s dead, either immediately afterwards or that she went out and bought pills the next day.