I’ve been telling myself this for 7 years and I need a way out. Every year it just gets worse with more time passing by. I haven’t ever had anything or anyone to live for, no meaning whatsoever. I acknowledge that there are people in my life that care, but they’ve never really shown it in the ways I need them to and they definitely don’t understand how I’ve been feeling for so long. At this point I don’t care at all, I don’t feel anything, and I just want what’s best for myself to be free of this constant hell that I live in every day. I’ve never been happy my entire life or at least for as long as I can remember and I don’t remember how it feels to be happy. I don’t feel anything most of the time and when I do they’re always negative emotions. There have been so many times where I’ve found myself crying and begging for help trying to find some form of sanity in my existence. I’ve asked why? What have I ever done to deserve all this pain? I’ve gotten on my knees and pleaded for help from God to allow me to be happy, other times I’ve asked for him to kill me or I’ve put the blame on him. People die every day and people that don’t deserve to, what would it be to him to take one more life that hasn’t been at peace their entire life as an act of mercy?
I don’t want help anymore, from anyone if it involves living. All I want is death. It seems like a scary idea but at the same time it seems enticing. The uncertainty of what happens after is better than the near certainty of the direction that my life would go. I’m even hopeful as to what would happen after but I wouldn’t mind to even cease to exist completely if that were the case as long as there’s no more pain involved.
There’s nothing good for me by living. I realize that I say that partially due to my depression but there’s a substantial amount of logic behind it. I’ve tried asking for help and I haven’t gotten it. I’ve tried helping myself but it hasn’t worked at all and it’s never enough. I can never put forth enough effort or gather enough motivation to get going in the right direction and at this point I don’t care enough to even try.