I give up

Since I was 13 I have had alot of trouble with depression, ten years later it hasn’t gotten much better. At age 15 I attempted to kill myself by shooting myself in the chest with a .22 handgun – the bullet missed my heart and went through my ribs. I spent some time in the hospital while I healed and a few days in a mental hospital, but I was able to convince them that I was ok. Months of emotional agony later I was able to pretend for a long time that everything was ok. Sure, I had my bad times, everyone does. But in the last two years everything has started to fall apart all over again. In 2009 I ended a long term relationship, I just couldn’t bring myself to love him anymore. I moved in with a long term friend of mine, whom recently became my lover. Being a foolish young girl “in love” with a much older man, I believe we would get married and have children and it would be the best thing ever because we were best friends and nothing could ever go wrong with that. Hahaha. When I got pregnant I was terrified, because my “perfect” lover was starting to have major health problems. Within the first week of me living with him I had to take him to the hospital, and he wasn’t doing well afterwards. I panic, because I knew there was no way he could take care of me or the baby or anything. Not to mention me being severly ill and him constantly dismissing my concerns. My mother (hating this man) convinced me to have an abortion. It nearly destroyed the friendship me and him had (what did I expect?) and I almost killed myself the day after the surgery. We managed to work through it and somehow remain friends, though we both struggle with depression. Flash forward a few months and I am living with good, supportive friends of mine. I meet another older man at a swinger’s party, and the situation seems perfect. I liked him alot, but he was married with two adult children still living at home, and had a well paid job to maintain. No matter, I was happy with whatever time I got to spend with him and it didn’t affect my ability to do anything else I wanted. But the foolish girl in me came out again, I felt desperatly in love with him and craved for him to feel the same towards me. Eventually he did. Victory being mine I wanted to invite him into other aspects of my life, which led me to discover his jealously, insecurity, and emotionally abusive behavior. Eventually, I could take no more and ended our so called relationship. 2011 rolls in and I quickly find out I am pregnant again, no sexual encounters with anyone but him for well over a month. Fuck. I tell my housemates and him, overwhelmed by the guilt of my previous abortion I told them that it was something I wanted. Now, here I am at 14 weeks, miserable because I can’t seem to stop puking dispite medication, and possibly far more depressed because of said medication. I am coming to realize that I don’t want this child and I can’t stand the father (who continues to be emotionally abusive, is now in the midst of divorce, and has lost his job.) I can’t stand the idea of going through another abortion, yet I find myself wanting to throw everything away. I’m tired of fucking up, I hate how I let my emotions control what I do with my body, I can’t stand being a failure, “I can’t do this anymore” and “I won’t make a good mother, I’m a horrible person” keep running through my head over and over again. I don’t know what to do anymore besides just give up on everything..