i need him…..i think… damn the agony

he was the one guy i could talk to, the one guy i felt safe with. I can’t stand the t hought of him being with someone else. Things just seem to spin out of control when his name shows up on my caller i.d. or a text message. He held me when i was upset and now i have no one. i don’t feel safe not even in my own home let alone in my own mind. i have bruises everywhere andscars on my wrists. he doesn’t know about them  atleast i dont think he does. if he does he hasnt said so. i cant take it anymore, why bother when i have no one. i honestly just want to sit down and cry or go to a party and drink until i pass out and just hope that i never wake up. and if i do that things may actually be better. all these pills i have i could overdose easy. i ask myself every time i think about him. is he worth my life or attempting to take my life. Im depressed all the time. my dad doesnt understand, and all my friends think its about sex and it comes nothing close to being about sex. To me its about feeling safe and secure and feeling like someone does care. Granted he wasn’t my first kiss but he was the first guy that actually treated me decently. Sometimes i miss him so much more than i think i would miss my own life. i dont have much going for me. Ya i graduate in two months i turn 18 in two months and start college in october, yay i get to study being a pastry chef. whoo. i dont care.whats to live for if i cant share it with anyone.  He was the one person that i got to talk to wheni was upset or just needed someone to talk to. i’ve been cheated on, beat, and bullied by exboyfriends since 6th grade and he was the one that didnt do any of those things he was the one that showed he genuinely cared about me. but now im just ready to give up all hope of ever being happy again. is he worth it though thats the only thing that keeps stopping me from either doing what is best for me or what may be a huge mistake on my part. i just dont know anymore.