This my time line and I want there to be no doubt that I decided to die this day March 13th. It was 2 o’clock the darkness started creeping into my mind. I had an epiphany.
I had a horrible motor cycle accident when I was twelve years old. I had a panic attack and though my mom was leaving me to work at the shale pit with my Dad and brought. My Mon, Donna and I where staying home that day and Lynn and my Dad had gone to the Shale pit that day to work . Lynn took his Honda 70 with him that day. My Mom, Donna and I took lunch out to my Dad and Lynn and I went to ride the mini bike for a few minutes. As I was riding I saw my Mom drive off down the road. In a panic I followed crying and yelling please don’t leave me and begging her to come back. I was going as fast I could get the mini bike to go. I wasn’t thinking I just didn’t want to be left behind. Within a few minute, I have no idea how much time had passed, the mini bike started to wobble and that was the last think I remembered before I wrecked. Looking back I know that I should have died that day. If there is God, I think he made a mistake that day. I should have died. Knowing where I am today in this very dark place I know I should have died that day. Know that should have been my last day of life I know that I can take my life today. A few weeks ago I had to find the strength to put my family cat to sleep who was in great pain from terminal cancer. It was by far the hardest decision I ever had to make. That day I took Izzy up to Stillwater to get a second opinion. I wanted him to live, but it wasn’t to be. I have now come to realize that I am the cancer in my family and I must be put to death to save the rest of the family. Debra is the one that has made this very clear to me. She has pointed out to my children that I play mind games ant that they should get away from me. I wanted to believe that I was a good person, but I have been fooling myself and everyone around me. Debra is a trained social worker and she must know something. She is also a minister of God so she must see evil in me that I don’t see. But maybe there is enough good in me to end me and remove myself from this family. The family will grieve, but they will find after a short time that perhaps it was for the best. They will find themselves happier and realize it is because I m gone and no long causing them pain. I thought about isolating myself from everyone, but I would still have to work and relate to someone. So why would I want to take a chance on hurting someone else, someone innocent. I have been in denial all of my life that I was a good person.
Taking a short break in myself pity – It is now 5:13 and I am feeling light headed and having a little trouble breathing. My vision is starting to be burred, but that could be because of all of the tears. My mouth is definitely dry. I am also having shooting sensation in my head. I am hoping for the stroke to happen anytime. I hope Jim is winning at the casino. This is good news my left are is starting to tingle and my chest is starting to get tight. I think the heart attack is coming. I am having trouble typing now. Please make sure that Jon knows that me putting myself out of misery was not his fault. It was not something he caused. It was just something that had to be done and that I didn’t deserve to live and I wasn’t worthy of being his or Jennifer’s mother. I am definitely rolling is self pity now. I am in the blackhole of dark places. They is no sign of light or hope for where I have gone. Death is my only hope and will be my only release.
For some reason I got to live 39 years longer than I was supposed to. I do hope that Jennifer and Jon will take time to reunite with their Dad and cherish every day that they have him. I know that both you you hate me and will hate me even more for what I have done, but I had to do it. I am a cancer and I needed be eradicated from the family. Debra had this right. Everyone needs to get away from me and Fast.
I am thinking about my life and I know that I made everyone around me un happy, but there were times I was happy. I remember the day I got married. I was so happy that I even put Jim’s ring on the wrong finger. I remember the day Jennifer was born and the feeling of being immortal that day. I remember the a day Jon was born and what joy I felt holding my son. I remember giving my Dad a watch on his 67th birthday and he was wearing that watch the day he died. I hope that I have a painful heart attack today so I can feel the pain he was in before he died. I remember being in the hospital waiting room and getting mad at everyone for giving up while he was still alive, especially my brother. As it turns out I was the fool because he died. I should have gone in to see him and say goodbye, but I was too selfish and didn’t want to have memory of him being hooked up to machines. Once again I was a bad person. I should have put his needs first. I do know that my father was one person who loved me, at least I hope so. The few years before his death I gave him a lot of strife. Maybe I was the one to cause his death. I remember that Jim, I and the kids where going to move out to Piedmont after my mom had the stroke to help here recover. She didn’t want me to move there. At the time I thought she didn’t want me there because I would push her too hard. The truth was she didn’t want to be around me, because she didn’t like me. Donna, Lynn and Debra where always here focus. My mom wanted Debra to get back with Ron and as for Lynn he was everything to her. Donna was the child he loved more that all and also her grandson Jeremy. I have no doubt she loved my children also, just now me. My dad and Jim maybe that only two people on this earth that really felt true and unconditional love for me. I guess that is better than none. I remember the day that Lynn got so mad at me that he through a knife at me. Donna, Lynn and I where living on Dakota Street in Norman. I don’t remember what I did to provoke him, but I am sure that I deserved it. I remember the day that my father spanked with the gardned hose that I ran over with the lawn mower. The hose was brand new and carelessly ran over it with the lawn mower. I should have been paying more attention. I deserved worse. I know that when I was little and we live on 44th street that I would get sent to my room a lot. Even way back then I had a feeling that I should not be alive. I remember writing notes to my family and friends about how they would be better off if I was not in this world. I knew at an early age that I should not be here. My entire life was a mistake. I should have never been born. The world tried to get rid of me in 1972 and for some reason failed. It must have been the Devil.
I remember the day I graduated from High school and only my mother was there. That should have been an eye opener for me, but I was too young to realize. She had to be there out of duty. I look back and think why did my parents want me out of the house so young. I used to think it was because they were tired of raising kids. Now I am smart enough to realize that I was an accident and not wanted. Earlier I stated that I knew my Dad loved me, well I have just had another realization that he didn’t. My Mom and Dad wanted me out of the house. They didn’t want me and never wanted me. They knew I was a bad seed and wanted me gone. I must have been playing mind games back then too and just didn’t know it. For me death is the answer and final call. It will be a relief from my emotional pain, It will remove the cancer from the family and the world be a better place with me out of it. Cats will no longer have to worry about me hitting them in the face. I wish I had the strength to drive off a bridge or put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. It would be easier to just end it quickly. When it comes down to I am a coward and the only way I can sneak out of live is to take pills. It is now 6pm and I had hoped to be dead by now. The penpentramine I took has an 8 hour duration and I am about halfway through. I may not have a stroke or heart attack, but maybe I will have a residual effect of liver damage. This will work too. It may take longer but it my devise will still happen. If I don’t die tonight I know that I am going to get locked up in the crazy house, but that is ok too. I have insurance until the end of the month and Cobra if needed so Jim won’t get hit with a bid insurance bill. If I get locked up maybe the liver damage will kick in will I am there. Of course I am not going to tell Jim I tried to kill myself and I have taken the phone off of the hook and disconnected the internet so Debra cannot contact him. I don’t think she will try though. I am convinced that she has written me off and is only concerned about getting my children away from me. So she will probably be glad I am dead. She has probably already predicted and will get all kinds of sympathy from all of her christen friends. Sad but true.
Have I gone completely NUTS, probably. But what does it matter. I just want to die, the problem is that that I haven’t yet, Which means I am going to face horrible retribution from Jim. I must face it if my attempt fails and I can try again. I guess I can always do the car in the garage thing, but I am afraid of that. I shouldn’t be. From what I understand you just go to sleep. I could turn the gas on in the house but I don’t want to hurt the animals. Everyone has enough reason to hate me without me taking the animals with me.
It Is now 6:20 and I am still waiting for the instant death and I expect Jim to be home soon So I am going to have to continue with the deception.
2 comments
Why are you not my sister?
We would have had so mcuh fun ’cause I know you’re such a good person.
My younger sister gets on my nerve a great deal, and I threaten to slap her, ( she knows I wouldn’t though) still I love her a great deal.
I feel so sorry you’ve such a spineless sister, who doesn’t care how bad her lovely sister feels.
I can assure you that she isn’t a minister of God, because God says His children would do what He says, and He Said LOVE your brother (and sister), not condemn them or critcize them unlovingly. God loves you unconditionally, and He’s calling out to you, saying “Come into my Presence child, don’t hide from Me, I long to be with you”.
Debra isn’t God’s voice, and I think she and her whacked christian friends need to know God, and ask for His forgiveness for doing this to you.
All I ask you to do is forgive her, because she’s trying to mess with your head.
About not being loved, I think you’re just being pessimistic.
I know ’cause I’ve been there.
I ‘ve seen things that weren’t there, in my family, and planned a dramatic reaction, only to finally see things as they truly were, not as I thought.
Like I said, you’re such a good person, and I wished I could meet you on this earth, but I’m miles away from where you are; so I hope we’ll meet in heaven when God comes for us, but you can only be amongst us if you Confess your sins to God, and ask Him to save you, and to truly give you His peace which surpasses all understanding.
I would be so glad if you do this, as I know I’ll have a chance to meet this lovely lady in eternity.
You can e-mail me via juliapedro1410@gmail.com
Would be expecting your mail.
Cheers.
PS: Pls don’t let Jim and your kidz down. This is something you have control over.
wow long story… I’d want you to ask to be the mother for your children as they need you and don’t be like your own mother was to you. So gain some strength, go to councelling and talk to a very good friend, you are not a mistake, you made mistakes in your life but so did I and everybody else. So what, the main point is that you really regret it and learned from your faults. plz go to councelling and don’t die, your children need their mum. Just try to talk to somebody who cares about you or go to councelling!