Iâ€™m much older than the rest of you but I feel the same wayâ€¦.Iâ€™ve felt this way as long as I can remember. Iâ€™ve always been a loner. Others were happy and I never understood why I never was. Iâ€™m on medication for depressionâ€¦.though I have more bay days than goodâ€¦.explains why Iâ€™m on here huh? Iâ€™ve sat on my bed with a pistol in my mouth and cried many times. The only thing that stopped me was the guilt I knew I would leave behind for my family. Recently Iâ€™ve noticed that I slowly cutting myself off from my family and this scares me. Iâ€™ve done research on all of the drugs Iâ€™m prescribed to see which would be the best one to use to commit suicide. Iâ€™ve made a will and updated all of my life insurance policies. Iâ€™m almost reeady but not quite at the brink.Plus my son is only 16 and I would like him to be an adult if I leaveâ€¦.not that I believe it would make any difference. Everyone I know will be hurt and blame themselves or others. I try to convince myself that everyone would be better off without having to worry about me but that doesnâ€™t work either. My son is afraid Iâ€™ll go to hell if I were to commit suicide. I shocked him the other night when I told him I didnâ€™t really believe in heaven or hellâ€¦..itâ€™s just what you have when youâ€™re living and when youâ€™re gone your energy just dissipatesâ€¦I believe in ghosts more than heaven or hell. Would rather be a ghost than alive.