I’m on the right track – a 4.0 GPA student, I’ve saved over $10,000 working since I was 16 (I’m 18 now and recently quit), I have a good family, I love my cat Tiki, I have a dependable car and safe roof over my head. My boyfriend is amazing and his family is wonderful to me, as well. I could literally go anywhere I wanted in life, take any path I wished to take. I’m pretty, I know I’m a great writer and artist. People tell me I’m funny and overall good to be around. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke cigarettes, I’m fairly healthy.
But none of that really matters to me, as much as I want it to. I can’t make it matter to me. I want help but I don’t know where to find it. I talk to those I trust about the way I’m feeling, and as much as they try, they don’t help. Or, maybe they help but I don’t feel it. Every day I wake up and cry because more than anything else I want to die. It’s becoming all that I can think about – how death would take away so much pain, emotional and physical.
I don’t know why I’m writing this, and now I feel like a cry-baby. Why should any of you even care how I feel? I’m just an anonymous bunch of sentences on the World Wide Web. And nothing really matters, in the larger scheme of things. If you’re religious, you’ll disagree. But, I disagree with religion, so I guess we’d cancel each other out.
I’m a nervous wreck most of the time, and I don’t know what I’m nervous about. I don’t feel real anymore. I feel like a paper doll in a 3D world. I know I need help, and part of me is glad that I felt okay enough to post this. I hope that somehow, it will lead to something good.