I am, truly, selfish and evil and a demon and ugly. I want to die so badly. Sometimes I’m okay but at any moment I just break down, my eyes are constantly sore. I keep, or at least I kept, telling myself everything would be okay, but it just gets worse and worse. I feel even worse and selfish when I see the suffering around me and I try to tell myself my life is great and I need to stop being a horrible person but it doesn’t work.
I turned 20 in January, it already feels like my life is over. I thought I would be happy but no, I’ve spent the last three months crying, wishing I could go back to a time when I wasn’t so alone and I was carefree and had friends and wasn’t a failing student with no job and no qualifications and nobody to talk to.
I miss my old friends, I developed a phobia of leaving my house when I was a pre-teen because a few gangs of kids living on my street tried to beat me up. So I missed out on going out as a teen and now I’m too old to act like a kid. When I go out with people at college they talk about their relationships, work etc and I feel left out being that I’ve always been single and am currently unemployed. I still act like a 15-16 year old even though I’m an adult and I feel like I’m dead. I can’t be 20, I’m not ready yet to deal with all the shit adults have to deal with, I don’t understand anything and it makes me even more afraid to leave my house.
I don’t want to be a failure but I am one. I need to die, I NEED TO. It’s not like I’ve ever done anything for anyone, I’m a horrible person and I hate everything including myself. I thought everything would be better when I became an adult but it isn’t. Now I really am a failure and I can’t go back and redo exams without paying a lot of money to do that but I sacrificed good grades for goofing off with friends who all abandoned me anyway.
I can’t kill myself. It will hurt my brothers and especially my mum. She’s amazing but I don’t think she could cope with me dying even though I am a worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, failure who should be dead. I imagine her looking at the pictures of me as a child in the sitting room and saying “that was our daughter… she commited suicide when she was 20…” and I don’t think I can inflict that on her.
I feel like shit all the time and I sit and cry and I keep saying to people “in the next few years… in the future…” but really I just don’t want there to be a future for me, I want to disappear forever. I am so tired of trying to live when I don’t care and I have no motivation and everyone is gone and I’m old and worthless and screaming, screaming inside my head.
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2 comments
I gotta say I see a lot of hope on the horizon.
I was EXACTLY like you, even worse, I was a drug addict and failed my first attempt at junior year. But I saw a doctor, and was diagnosed with depression (a serious illness,) so the school gave me a little leeway, and I started fresh the next year and graduated a year late.
Then I went on to have a really good life for a long time. More than a decade. (My big mistake was not being serious about treatment for this illness, and it led me to make some bad decisions later on that I’m grappling with now. But I’ll find a way.)
I know how much it hurts to be where you are right now, because I was there, (omg I think it was probably the most painful time of mu life,) but just the fact that you can’t kill yourself because you know how much pain you’ll cause by doing it makes you a really GOOD PERSON.
Get treatment. You can beat this and have a really good life. There is help for you. There is hope for you. There is. There really is.
Thank you even, I’ll give it a go 🙂 I feel calmer today so it looks like there’s hope for a while at least.