i’m sorry

i gambled everything i had today.

i am driving out to the highest overpass in my city and jumping off tonight after i post this. i am putting in enough gas to just get there so i am not tempted to drive back and i am not taking any money.

i have been coming here a long time and reading.  i read about how other people feel about suicide and how they talk about it. i compare my own feelings to see if they are real.

i know what you all are feeling. i know the hollow pain inside of your middle that beats like a poisonous pulse, causes the lumps in your throat, causes you to do things you don’t want to do but do, because you have to. you have to do these things. the pain never leaves you. it is a constant reminder. you wake up and know you are alive, not by the sunlight, not by the feel of your skin, but by that pain in you like a fish hook.

i hope that beyond this life, there is nothing. i do not want a heaven. i do not want a hell. i do not want to be a ghost. i do not want purgatory. i want nothing. i want this to be the utter end.

ariel pink’s haunted city before today album. a perfect circle. the sandlot. acrimony collection by michael hoffman. ted hughes crow.

cameron williams, you will do great things.

mom, i am my own person. you could not have known. i

grandmother heckle, you are the light.

penny,  i am so sorry i brought you into my world. i hope you enjoy chasing lizards and i wish i could be there.

to the rest, just pretend like i wasn’t here.

goodbye.