He’s like a walk in the sand, soft between my toes, warm on my skin, safe and serene. I see his footprints next to mine and think he’s never going to leave, that he’s going to stay right by my side for as long as I need him to be there.
There is something about him, something that makes me think that I can trust him. I’ve never been able to trust anyone before, especially a boy or a man. Not with anything.
But Grant…he’s different. He listens to me, gives me advice. He cares what happens to me, worries that I’m going to do something stupid. He’s the only person in the foul, cruel world that seems to give even an ounce of a damn.
But I could never tell him this, how much he really means me. It may ruin everything, and I definitely can’t tell him how much it hurts when he talks about other girls, how him worrying about me doing something stupid only amplifies when I’m around him because I’m hurting so much keeping this all inside.
We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, and hour, an afternoon. But that doesn’t diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives. Is this why people fall in love all the time, the senses and emotions a person gives you trumps what hurt they may cause you, because they’re supposedly worth it?
Maybe they are. I don’t know, from my experience I would rather never have met them at all then have this hurt inside me, at least thats what I used to think. That was before I met Grant. It’s funny, my heart hurts all the time when I’m around him, my stomach gets butterflies, but he will never see it. It kills me inside, but if I ever lost him, If I even think about what it would be like if I had never met him…Well, then I can stand the pain.
But, I’m not getting any better. I keep thinking that if I get away from all the hurt and the pain, then I’ll be okay, but that would mean never letting anyone in, never having any friends, never finding anyone to love. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t be alone, even though I feel like it needs to be that way all the time. My head hurts all the time from these thoughts, like the stress is putting to much pressure on my mind that it’s going to explode at any second, and there’s a part of me that wishes I’d just tell him to forget about me, to let me go. But I can’t do it, there’s a huge part of me that needs him to be there, even if it’s not in the way I really want. I don’t really know why I keep putting myself through this pain, maybe because I like the torture, maybe it’s just love. All I know is…
Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.