Its three in the morning

So everything seems to be snow balling I keep on trying, trying to change things my career anything to make life worth living and I am not getting any response from anyone. At work they say my work sucks because I am not perfect my coworkers are tying to get my fired. The person who I trained keeps on back stabbing me with three years more experience than me. My boss has been trying to make me quit for three years and I am sick of the abuse. I have been trying to change jobs for three years and I haven’t gotten a response from anyone. i don’t feel like I fit my current job. i can’t be me. When I am working I am on my own and constantly fight to keep thoughts of my breakup with my boyfriend. I say boyfriend but he meant so much more to me than that we were talking about spending our lives together. Before we met I wasn’t looking I was on a std dating site just to share thoughts and support with other people sharing the same problem. This one guy was very persistent in his emails and we met. We didn’t have much chemistry at first but after a while I thought we were in love. I was. We met each others families. It was hard because it was a long distance relationship and I ended up doing much of the traveling because his place was bigger than mine and literally he didn’t fit in my bed on the couch in front of my tv. I ended up being introduced to many many of his friends and acquantances and falling in love with the town he lived in. Work started going south we had a bad revue and it was blamed on me though really it was because of a drought that we had dry grass, it was so stupid. But the guys I was working with/supervising blamed me even though technically I wasn’t made a boss at all they just did it temporarily.
Back to the relationship after ten years of being on my own having tried relationships with people who weren’t appropriete I figured that this guy who was everything I was looking for who I loved was well…. A few months before i met him I had both my gramas who I was close to pass away within two and a half weeks of each other. On some level I thought that wow someone up there is looking out for me, something good is going to come out of all this pain and suffering and loss. But all i got was more loss. The breakup was horrible with my ex I had been struggling with depression and exhastion with trying to live two lives in the town he lived and mine. I was planning on quiting my job in April and moving up to Courtenay. This was an idea he had and I agreed made sense. He was the one who convinced me that a long distance relationship would work. On the site I met him he had it listed that he lived in the same town as me. I had told my supervisor at work that I was leaving in April. After the breakup I was dealing with all sorts of depression issues and found it hard to function at work. I really didn’t want to be there. But I did and I tried. But my emotional state made my coworker who had already betrayed me before turn on me and yell at me at work calling me useless and lazy etc. I reported this to my supervisor and she responded at first with kindness and then with keep it to your self this breakup you could have taken two weeks stress leave. In my personal life in town right now I really only have three friends all of which have issues that sometimes if not always prevent them from being there for me almost always so I spend alot of my time alone. Out of all of them i am the only one working full time, with my own vehicle, who is busy and has the time and money to go out. But who am I to go out with. I have tried to make friends with tenants I have known at work but no one wants to be my friend.
I am in my mid thirties no husband but a string of short term relationships with men who didn’t love me and left me at the slightest escuse. No children I had an abortion a few years ago an experience that I regret and will haunt me for the rest of my life. The family that i felt so close to when I was in a relationship and me and my x would visit, my parents loved my ex and thought that we would be together forever, I now feel distant from. My dad has been acting like the breakup was my fault for not being good enough, having chose to have a masters degree and becoming a teacher, or choosing to take school in a feild where I could get a job. I am a person with three degrees working as a manual labourer for a company that goes through people like its a fast food restaurant where the person who i trained who has no education and is ten years my junior and has only worked at the job I am at 8 months where I have been there almost 4 years has decided that I am useless.
The reason my ex used to breakup with me is during driving back from a weekend at a resort which i paid for since it was a Christmas present he told me that he didn’t want kids because he was too old. At the time I told him I was sick had taken all these pain killers and told him i really didn’t want to talk. He could have brought it up anywhere else. The look of hate in his eyes when he said this combined with things and the way he had been acting ever since my sister got pregnant. Just well I just lost it. I got so mad at him it felt like he was being so disrespectful and selfish. If he had known this for a while why didn’t he tell me I didn’t play any games with him I let him know at the beginning I wanted kids.
Anyways i will continue this I have to work in the morning and feel less suicidal since writing this. I just wake up everyday and i imagine what it would be like to shoot myself in the head or the heart to feel the explosion. I feel like I am and will continue to be a burdon on my family and everyone who knows me forever that my life will continue like this alone, having no trust left for men, no desire for sex, having lost my gramas, the man I love, the city who i love and all the people who I met there. This loss had happened with every relationship i have had there is three now where we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together and then you never c them again and the people you met wont speak to you.